Unattributed Quotations - collected (mostly from Web re-postings!)
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by GPJones - last update 19 December 2017
NOTE: If in doubt about the meaning or reference of a particular
quote, just assume it was written by a nerd about the world of
computing or Star Wars or Star Trek or gaming.
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1 = 2 for large values of 1 & very small values of 2.
1 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman
6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number
2 pints = 1 Cavort
Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
6 Curses = 1 Hexahex
3500 Calories = 1 Food Pound
1 Mole = 007 Secret Agents
1 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees
1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo
1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew
2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League
2000 pounds of chinese soup = 1 Won Ton
10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle
8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss
365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer = 1 Lite-year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies
to 1 meter per second = 1 Fig-newton
One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon
10 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm
1000 pains = 1 Megahertz
1 Word = 1 Millipicture
1 Sagan = Billions & Billions
1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes
10 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone
10 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles
The amount of beauty required to launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen
10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
100% of people who breathe, die.
100,000 lemmings can't be wrong.
100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
1024x768x256 . . . Sounds like one MEAN woman!
186,000 mps: It's not just a good idea -- It's the law.
1948 -- A novel for dyslexics by George Orwell.
1st we shoot all the lawyers, 2nd we strangle them, 3rd . . .
2 rules to success in life. 1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2*3*3*37 -- The Prime Factorization of The Beast
25% of American men kiss their wives goodbye when leaving the house.
99% of them kiss their houses goodbye when leaving the wife.
29A, the hexadecimal of the Beast.
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
4 food groups: fast, frozen, microwaved, and junk
4 OUT 5 ARE VERY SURE THAT THE FIFTH GUY DID IT!
4 out of 5 people think the 5th is an idiot.
4 out of 5 Sysops prefer donuts . . . 1 prefers women . . . but
42? 7 million years and all you can come up with is 42?
42?! 7.5 million years a . . . oh, you were running Windows.
43rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions.
50 states, and I had to pick this one . . .
50% of men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
50% of my ancestors were female.
62% of those polled felt polls asked trivial questions.
666a -- The tenant of the beast.
667 : Satan's neighbor . . .
668 -- The neighbor of the beast.Satan.
69 means being head over heels in love.
The 7 Habits of Highly Gullible People:
#1 Buying books to tell you to work better and waste less time.
7 out of 10 women are battered? And I'm still eating mine plain!
7.2 on the sphincter scale.
70% of accidents occur at home; the rest in voting booths
750 messages a day and they call it QWK??
85% of all auto accidents are caused because people read these damn
9 out of 10 men who try Camels still prefer Women.
90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
90% of the time I'm right, so why worry about the other 3%?
911 -- if you are calling to report a murder, press 1 . . .
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
****** Confucius say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
12 + 144 + 20 + 3(4)
---------------------- + 5(11) = 9² + 0
A dozen, a gross and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
Divided by seven,
Plus five times eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more!
The AA virus: Only allows your system to run twelve step programs.
AAAAA -- American Association Against Acronym Abuse
Abandon all hopes of utopia -- there are people involved.
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
Abdicate: to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened?
Abortion is a miscarriage of justice.
About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
About the time we think we can make ends meet, someone moves the ends.
Above all things, reverence yourself.
Absence makes the heart go wander.
The absence of fear is not courage. The absence of fear is mental illness.
Absent, adj.: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances.
Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.
Absolutely no trees were killed to produce this .sig .
Well, OK, we had to tie one up and torture it.
Accept Jesus as my personal savior? That'd be selfish!
Accepting reality is the first step to insanity.
According to all the latest reports,
there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
According to obituary notices, mean and hateful people never die.
According to official figures, 45% of statistics are worthless.
Accordion, n.: A bagpipe with pleats.
Acid consumes 47 times its weight in excess reality.
Acme: a generic skin disease.
Acoustic: what you use when you shoot pool.
Actors will happen in the best-regulated families.
An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
Adults are just kids who owe money.
The Adventures of WIN.INI the Pooh by W. Gates
The adverb always follows the verb.
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a darn.
After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
After all that practice, Bill Clinton still doesn't lie well.
After all, what was Medea? Just another child custody case.
After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.
After two years of trying, scientists at the Yerkes Regional
Primate Center have managed to get a chimpanzee pregnant.
Which proves that no task is repugnant to a true scientist.
Ah, a meal fit for a king. Here, King!
Ahhh, I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
Aibohphobia: Fear of palindromes.
Air bags: Inflation we can live with.
Air is water with holes in it
Air pollution is a mist demeanor.
Al's Vet & Taxidermy: Either way, you get your dog back.
Alas poor kiroY, I knew him backwards.
Alcohol and Mathematics don't mix: don't drink and derive.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems . . . but then again, neither does milk.
Alcohol prohibition didn't work;
drug prohibition doesn't work;
gun prohibition won't work.
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall
Aleph-null bottles of beer
You take one down, and pass it around
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
(1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
(2) Great generals are forewarned.
(3) Forewarned is forearmed.
(4) Four is an even number.
(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
Alimony: The high cost of leaving.
All computers wait at the same speed.
All flesh is grass. (Isaiah XL:6, KJV) So smoke a friend today.
All generalities are false.
All government programs have three things in common: a beginning,
a muddle, and no end.
All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
All I ask for is an opportunity to prove that money doesn't buy happiness.
All laws are good, to those who draw a salary for their enforcement.
All men are animals, but some make good pets.
All men are born equal. The tough job is to outgrow it.
All music is folk music, I ain't never heard no horse sing a song.
All my friends tell me peer pressure is cool.
All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.
All problems have a solution.
Therefore if there is no solution, there is, by definition, no problem.
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
All programmers want arrays!
All religion is just guilt with different holidays.
All requests for sick leave must be approved two weeks in advance.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
All the beautiful sentiments in the world
weigh less than a single lovely action.
All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent
by the government in less than a second.
All things are possible except skiing thru a revolving door.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
All things being equal, you lose.
All things comes to those who wait -- if they know what they are
All those that believe in Telekinesis raise my hands.
All we are saying, is give pizza chants.
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
Allergy Specialist: A Doctor Who Treats You For One Wheezin' Or Another.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
Alvin Toffler will be electrocuted tomorrow.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest.
Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Always forgive your enemies. They HATE that!
Always put the important before the merely urgent.
Always remember you're unique -- just like everyone else.
Always tell her she's pretty, especially when she isn't.
Always there remain portions of our heart into which no one is able
to enter, invite them as we may.
Always yield to temptation -- it may never pass your way again.
Ambition a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
America was FOUNDED by religious nuts with guns.
America will never be invaded. Our juvenile delinquents are too well
America's a melting pot.
The people at the bottom get burned and the scum rise to the top . . .
America's best buy for a dime is a telephone call to the right person.
America: The AOL of the Western World.
America: The only country in the world that can declare a War On Violence.
The American dream: smoke pot, cheat on your wife, & become president!
An American is a person who wouldn't hesitate to criticize the President,
but is always polite to traffic cops.
American kids have Nintendo; Japanese children have homework.
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the pavement
is precisely 1 bananosecond.
Amtrak subsidies: adults playing with choo-choos.
An' then Chicken@little.com, he come scramblin outta the
terminal room screaming "The system's crashing! The system's
crashing!" -Uncle RAMus, 'Tales for Cyberpsychotic Children'
Anal erotics are behind us all the way.
Anarchy is against the law.
Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it is better than no
government at all.
And God said 'LET THERE BE CATS!' . . . and was ignored.
And God said, 'E = «mvý - Zeý/r' . . . and there *was* light!
And I'd've gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for
those meddling kids!
And now, back to your regularly scheduled flamewar . . .
And on the 8th day God said, 'Murphy, you're in charge.'
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
And through the window in the wall
Come streaming in on sunlight wings
A million bright ambassadors of morning
And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be . . . ?
Angular momentum makes the world go round.
An anlogism is a word that isn't a word. Is anlogism an anlogism?
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Another Month Ends.
All Targets Met.
All Systems Working.
All Customers Satisfied.
All Staff Eager and Enthusiastic.
All Pigs Fed and Ready to fly.
Another smooth escape disguised as a dramatic exit.
Anti, hell! I'm the Uncle-Christ!
Anticipated events never live up to expectations.
Antisesquipedalial: opposed to the use of large words.
Antonym: the opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
The ants are my friends, they're blowing in the wind.
Anxiety, n.: The first time you can't do it a second time.
Panic, n.: The second time you can't do it the first time.
Any answer over three words is no.
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able
to sell it.
Any government that's strong enough to give the people everything they want
is a government that's strong enough to take it away.
Any husband who thinks he's smarter than his wife
is married to a very clever woman.
Any IC protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the
fuse by blowing first.
Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable
to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be
deemed to be a cat.
Any theory whose worst enemy is reality, is probably a flawed theory.
Any woman who thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach
is aiming about 10 inches too high.
Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn't know
the first thing about women or fractions.
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
Anyone who can see through a woman is missing a lot.
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.
Anyone who isn't confused here doesn't really know what's going on.
Anyone who thinks that they are too small to make a difference
has never been in bed with a mosquito.
Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
AOL -- World's largest floppy disk distributor.
Apatheism: The school of belief where one doesn't particularly care
if there is/are god(s).
Apathists of the world . . . ahh, forget it!
Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key.
APL is a write only language:
You can write programs in it; but just try and read them!
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench
to pound in the correct screw.
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: The older
she gets, the more interested he is in her.
Archaeologists date anything!
Archaeologists take sedimental journeys.
An archeologist is a man whose career lies in ruins.
Archimedes had no principles!
Are dog biscuts made from collie flour?
Are movies about Vulcans Pathe-logical?
Arguing with an engineer is like mud wrestling a pig.
Pretty soon you realize the pig likes it.
Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
Armadillo: to provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
Arsonists of the world, ignite!
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
"As a matter of fact" usually preceeds an expression which isn't.
As famous as the unknown soldier.
As far as can be determined, this computer has never had
an undetected error.
As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I get in touch with my
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
As irritating as a teenage Vulcan.
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
As long as there are sex and drugs, I can do without the rock'n roll.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
As much as the author would like to spend precious minutes of the rapidly-
dwindling time remaining in his life responding to your kind and thoughtful
letter about how he is going to spend eternity in a lake of fire being
eaten by rats, he regrets that he is unable to do so, due to the volume
of such mail received.
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's
mind: aisle, altar, hymn.
As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
Ashes to Ashes dust to dust life is short so party we must!
Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
Ask not for whom the bell tolls: the butler will get it.
Ask not what your fortune cookie can do for you.
Ask what you can do for your fortune cookie.
Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.
Assassins do it from behind.
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
Astronauts are out to launch.
Astronauts get missile-toe.
At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and
those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
At Intel, quality is job 0.99999999987
At Microsoft, quality is job 1.1!
At no time is freedom of speech more precious
than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer.
At one time most girls in Utah married Young.
At our last party we were all making Mary, then we jumped for Joy!
At the speed you type, we could be here forever!
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
An atheist does not find God for the same reason a thief does not find
An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
Attention: Unattended children will be sold as slaves.
Augmented Fifth: A 36-Ounce Bottle
Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas. Took the dog. Dorothy
Aural sex gives me an earection.
Author: A writer with connections in the publishing industry.
Automated: A couple making love in a car.
Automobile: a four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
Avalanche: A mountain getting its rocks off.
The average person thinks he isn't.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains
because the average man can see better than he can think.
Avoid reality at all costs.
Avoid temporary variables and strange women.
The Aztec contribution to our multicultural feast will be delayed,
while the main course stops begging for his life.
B. Gates : quality software :: R. McDonald : gourmet cuisine
A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end
and no responsibility at the other.
Baby philosophy: If it stinks, change it.
A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancee free.
Bachelor: One who never Mrs a girl.
Back off! You're standing in my aura.
Back up my hard disk? I can't even find a reverse switch!
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (U)se the Force?
Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER
Backward slashes are for backward operating systems!
Bad breath is better than no breath.
variant: Halitosis is better than no breath at all.
(Wacky Plaks, c.1962)
Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner.
Bad dog! Don't chew the power co*$#$ . . . NO TERRIER
The bad guys think they're right, no matter who gets hurt.
That's what makes them so bad.
Bad ideas happen overnight. Good ideas take time.
Bad trip: acid indigestion
Bagdikian's Observation: Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average
American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's St Matthew Passion on
A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that
you don't need it.
Barium -- what you do with dead chemists.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Basic is a high level languish.
BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of 'Scientific Creationism'.
A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude
Saw a man come along
And, unless I'm quite wrong
You expected this line to be lewd.
Battle Creek makes cereal terminals.
Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat
a psychopath to your door.
Be alert, America needs more lerts.
Be aloof! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.)
Be bold in what you stand for and careful of what you fall for.
Be braver. Join the Klingon Overhand Bowling Team.
Be careful when reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
1. Be content with what you have. 2. Be sure you have plenty.
If you can't be good, be careful.
If you can't be careful, try to keep it down to five or six verses, huh?
Be kind to your inferiors, if you can find any.
Be nice to other people; they outnumber you 5.5 billion to one.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
Be spontaneous -- combust!
Be yourself -- everybody else is taken.
"Beam me aboard, Scotty!" "A 2x4, sir?"
The bearing of a child takes nine months,
no matter how many women are assigned to the project.
Beauty parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.
Bedfellows make strange politicians
Been there, done that, got caught, did time.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.
Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
Being constantly with children is like wearing a pair of shoes that are
expensive and too small. You can't bear to throw them out, but they
give you blisters.
Being dyslexic has drawbacks -- I once went to a toga party dressed as a
Being placed on a pedestal is a RIGHT, not a privilege.
Being profound is usually something that happens quite by accident.
Being schizophrenic is better than living alone.
The believer is happy, the doubter wise.
Bell Labs UNIX -- Reach out and grep someone.
Beneath the surface of every academic debate rages the essence of an
ordinary kindergarten sandbox squabble.
Benji! Don't run out in the street @#$*#'-.NO TERRIER.
Best acronym expansion for emacs: Eight Megs And Continually Swapping
The best book on programming for the layman is Alice in Wonderland;
but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
The best form of birth control is hysterical laughter.
The best place to be when you're sad is in Grandma's lap.
The best prophet of the future is the past.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
The best substitute for brains is silence
The best thing about being medically weird is that they
don't lose track of you.
The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
The best things in life are for a fee.
The best way to accelerate a Mac is 9.8m/s/s
The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.
The best weapon against the ridiculous is ridicule. Always will be.
Bestiality: And they call it puppy love.
Better a warm, paranoid body than a cold, well-adjusted corpse
Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
Better living through denial.
Better to have loved and lost
than to have to live with that bitch for the rest of my life.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Betty Crocker is a flour child.
Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
Beware of geeks bearing GIF's
Beware of people who fall at your feet.
They may be reaching for the corner of the rug.
Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers!
Beware of those who spend four years in college and learn nothing.
They are intensely jealous of those who come by their ignorance naturally.
Beware the Vulcan butt pinch.
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free
is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
Big whirls have little whirls
Which feed on their velocity.
And little whirls have lesser whirls
And so on, to viscosity.
A bigamist is a man who loves not wisely, but two well.
Bigamist: A Man Who Has Married An Attractive Woman And A Good Cook.
The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal
with watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
The Bill Of Rights Is Past Due!
Bipolar, adj.: Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska
and Buffalo, New York
Birth is the first and direst of all disasters.
Birth, school, work, death. About sums it up, I think.
Birthdays are good for your health -- statistics show that people with
the most birthdays live the longest.
Bismark's Law: The less people know about how sausages and laws are made,
the better they'll sleep at night.
Bit -- The increment by which programmers slowly go mad.
BLAM! BLAM! Make peckul'ar patterns in my wheat field, will ya?!
Blame Saint Andreas -- its all his fault.
Blessed are the meek, for they make good scapegoats.
Blessed Are The Pessimists, For They Shall Make Back-Ups.
Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall
be known as wheels.
Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known as
Blind people don't bungee jump; it scares the dog too much.
Blonde Klingons: because it was a good day to dye.
Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
Bo Peep did it for the insurance.
BOHICA: Bend Over, Here It Comes Again
Books have the same enemies as people:
fire, humidity, animals, weather, and their own content.
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
enlightened him with ours.
Assimilate my shorts. -Bart Simpson of Borg
Assimilation is Cool . . . hehehehehehehehe. -Beavis of Borg
Be vewy qwiet. I'm assimiwating humans. -Elmer of Borg
The Borg assimilated my race & all I got was this lousy tagline!
Borg pick-up line: Hey! You've got a nice baud!
Borgasm: The Ecstasy of Assimilation.
BorgDOS 5.01: Assimilate another? (Y/y)
Borger King: Have it our way, yours is irrelevant.
Division is useless. You will be approximated. -Pentium of Borg
The Do-It-Yourself Borg kit. Some Assimilation required.
Ernest BORGnine . . . you be the judge . . .
Go ahead . . . resist us. -Dirty Harry of Borg
I am Bart of Borg. Who the hell are you?
I am Beavis of Borg, Assimilation is cool, huh huh huh
I am Bubba of Borg. Y'all is fixin to be assimilated!
I am Buddha of Borg: Resistance is suffering. Suffering is useless.
I am Cat of Borg. We will assimilate your shiny things.
I am Charlemagne of Borg . . . Resistance is feudal.
I am Clinton of Borg. Inhaling is irrelevant.
I am Clinton of Borg: Your wages will be assimilated.
I am Flatulus of Borg. Prepare to be asphyxiated.
I am Ginsu of Borg. You will be assimilated -- but WAIT! There's MORE!
I am Homer of Borg! Prepare to be . . . Oooooo! Donuts!
I am Janet Reno of Borg. You will be incinerated.
I am Khan of Borg: From Hell's heart I assimilate thee . . .
I am Lao-Tze of Borg: Be like water. Water does not resist.
I am Locutus of Borg! Do you have any Grey Poupon?
I am Opie of Borg. Can I assimilate 'em, Pa?
I am Popeye of Borg . . . You will be askimilated
I am Shakespeare of Borg; prepare to be or not to be.
I am Smorgas of Borg. You will be marinated.
I am the Fourth Doctor of Borg. Your jelly babies will be assimilated.
I am TLX 3.0 of Borg. Your taglines will be assimilated.
I am too sexy for the Borg . . . -J.L. Picard
I am Troi of Borg. Your chocolate will be assimilated.
I am Tyrannosaurus Rex of Borg. Barney is irrelevant.
I am Veg-O-Matic-O-Borg. You shall be sliced and diced.
I am WINDOWS of Borg! Prepare to . . . oops, GPF!
I! AM! Kirk! of! Borg!: You! WILL! be! overacted!
□□□ It's Hip To Be Square □□□ -Borg song
McBorg: over 50 Billion assimilated!
Me and You and a Borg named Hugh.
Me do it your way! My way unrelevant! -Bizzaro of Borg
My Wife of Borg: I have checks. Balance is irrelevant.
Now here's the deal. You will be assimilated. -Perot of Borg
Now you're assimilating with power! -Nintendo of Borg
'Oh Bother,' said the Borg, 'We've assimilated Pooh'.
Prapare to be asmilmated. -Dan Quayle of Borg
Prepare to be, or not to be assimilated. -Hamlet of Borg
Say the secret word & be assimilated. -Groucho of Borg
Screw the Prime Directive, Upload WINDOWS to the Borg!
Tennis is irrelevant. -Bjorn Borg
There was a Borg at the filksing Sang "Unassimilated from Argo".
"They turned me into a Borg." "A Borg?" "Well, I got better . . . "
Today's moral is irrelevant. -Yakko of Borg
We are Buffy of Borg! Prepare to be, like, TOTALLY assimilated, ok?
We are Minbari of Borg. We let you assimilate us and won't say why.
We assimilate prunes. They make us go. -Packled of Borg
We're from the IRS. The Borg have nothing over us.
Welcome to the Borg Utilities: There are no recovery tools.
Yoda of Borg am I. Futile is resistance . . . assimilate you I will.
Yoooouuuuu'rreee Irrrrrrrelevant! (Daffy Duck of Borg)
You ever wonder why resistance is futile? -Andy Rooney of Borg
You have a collective call from Borg, will you accept the charges?
You will be assim . . . assim . . . taken over! -Porky of Borg
Your jelly doughnuts will be assimilated. -Elvis of Borg
Zhirinovsky of Borg: I will reassimilate Alaska and Finland.
A boring cocktail party is a fete worse than death.
BOSS spelled backwards is double S-O-B.
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages
the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous,
except that boss, in addition to meaning "a supervisor
of workers" also meant "an ornamental stud."
Both your friend and your enemy think that you will never die.
"Bother" said Pooh as he hid Piglet's body with Tigger's.
"Bother," said Pooh, as realized that Rabbit was indeed Chaotic Evil.
"Bother,", said Pooh, as the vice squad took his GIFS.
Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
Boy Hippie: a guy who looks like a Jill and smells like a john.
Boy: a noise with dirt on it.
Boycott meat -- suck your thumb.
Boycott shampoo! Demand REAL poo!
variant: Shampoo? No thanks, I'll use real poo.
Boys will be boys . . . for much longer than is generally necessary.
'Brace for impact,' Picard said, parenthetically.
Brain damage? No thanks, I already have some.
Brain fried -- core dumped
Brain: the apparatus with which we think that we think.
Braise the lord! 325 degrees for a hour! Add veggies.
The breaking of joy is the beginning of wisdom.
Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
Bring me k d lang -- I'll make a man out of her!
Bring music to someone's life -- donate an organ!
Broad-mindedness: the result of flattening out high-mindedness.
Broke all the commandments, still bored.
Brothel: Home is where the tart is.
The buck doesn't even slow down here.
The Buck stops here; the Doe just visits.
Budding young scientist proves intellectuals can reproduce asexually.
The buddy system is essential to your survival;
it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
Buddy System: Having someone to drown with you.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as
Buffalo chips are cheaper but they don't work in computers.
BUFFERS=7 FILES=5, second down, fourth quarter, five yards to go!
A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
Bugs are Sons of Glitches!
Bulimia: twice the taste, none of the calories
Bullfighting: One man against a half ton of angry potroast.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Bureaucrats do not change the course of the ship of state.
They merely adjust the compass.
Burroughs programmers have to pay a Poll tax.
Bus error (Passengers dumped)
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after
it as when you are in it.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
But God TOLD me to use a GOTO.
But isn't all of human history simultaneously a disaster novel and a
celebrity gossip column?
But Nell, I love my horse! -Dudley Doright
But what if I'm a figment of my own imagination?
Butterflies. If you throw it.
By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
By the gods, I'm adventuring with a troup of dancers!
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
C++: where only your friends can access your private parts.
C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN \RUN\DOS\RUN
CACATNE URSUS IN SYLVAM? [Does a (male) bear shit in the woods?]
California: 3 years in prison for mayhem; 4 years for sale of an assault
rifle. Aren't liberals amazing?
Californians are not without their faults.
Call it a hunch. -Quasimodo
Call me twisted . . . everyone else has.
Call out the vice squad! Someone's mounting a disk drive!
Can anyone remember when the times were not hard, and money not scarce?
Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? Yes, work never begun.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
Can you imagine Moses asking Congress to pass the Ten Commandments?
'Can you read music?' the bandleader asked notably.
Can you repeat that part after "Listen very carefully?"
A candidate is someone who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor
to protect them from each other.
Cap'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!
Cap'n! The modem canna keep up this speed much longer!
Capital Punishment: the income tax
Captain, we are being scanned! ³°Þ°³°³Û°³Ŷ³°Ŷ³³
A car raising contest is a jack off.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
Cargo goes by ship, a shipment goes by truck. Go figure . . .
Carpe DM: Sieze the Dungeon Master.
The Carson/Johnson Law of Human Behavior: 80% of all questions that begin
with the word 'why' can be answered with the simple sentence 'People
A Cartesian Bear is a Polar Bear after coordinate transformation.
Cat bathing is a martial art.
CATAPULTAM HABEO NISI PECUNIAM OMNEM MIHI DABIS
AD CAPUT TUUM SAXUM IMMANE MITTAM
(I have a catapult. Unless you give me all your money
I will throw an enormous rock at your head.)
Catastrophy (n.): award for the cat with the best buns.
Cats . . . the other white meat.
Cats are good for nothing, and they're very good at it!
Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.
Cats: Earth's most purrfect lifeform.
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
CCITT- Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today
Celibacy is NOT hereditary.
Censor: One who sticks his no's into other peoples business.
Censorship is either present or absent; it is never 'limited'.
Censorship is evil because - ----- ---- -------!
Censorship: The reaction of the ignorant to freedom.
A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance.
Kites rise against the wind, not with it.
CERTE TOTO SENTIO NOS IN KANSATE NON IAM ADESSE
The chance of forgetting something is directly
proportional to . . . uh . . .
Change is good. Dollars are better.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Change is inevitable. Progress is optional.
Change your thoughts and you change your world.
Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
Character Density: the number of very weird people in the office.
Charity covers a multitude of sins, but curiosity soon uncovers them again.
Charlie was a chemist, but Charlie is no more.
What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
Chastity is its own punishment.
Chautauqua: Methodist vaudeville.
A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste!
Checkpoint: The location from which a programmer draws his salary.
Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
Chemists really know their bismuth.
A chicken doesn't stop scratching just because worms are scarce.
Chicken feed is what most of our nest eggs have turned into.
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
Chickens: the only animals eaten before they're born and after
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort
to teach them good manners.
Children come from God. He can't stand the noise either.
Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children.
Children seldom misquote you.
In fact they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
Children should be seen and not had.
Children, on average, laugh about 400 times a day.
Adults only about 15 times.
Scientists who study humor want to know why 385 laughs disappear.
Chinese saying: He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks.
Chiropractors are disjointed.
Chirpes: n, A canarial disease, no tweetment.
Choose your enemies carefully.
You are choosing your future.
Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him.
Christmas comes but once a year. Boy, am I glad my name isn't Christmas!
Christopher Robbins was a twit. -Pooh.
Christopher Robin Hood: Steals from the rich to give to the Pooh.
The CIA: Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, New World Orders
don't upset us.
Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
Clark Kent is a transvestite.
A clash of doctrine is not a disaster -- it is an opportunity.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Clever people solve problems . . . wise people avoid them.
variant: A clever person solves problems . . . a wise person
Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.
Clinton's memory is the only part of him subject to Selective Service.
Cloak captioned for the Romulan impaired.
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
The closest a man comes to perfection is when he writes his resume.
Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.
COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
The code that is the hardest to debug
is the code that you know cannot possibly be wrong.
Coed dorms promote campus unrest.
Coffee just isn't my cup of tea.
Cohen's Law: There is no bottom to worse.
A cold is both positive and negative:
sometimes the eyes have it, and sometimes the nose.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
A collaboration is a literary partnership based on the false assumption
that the other fellow can spell.
Coming soon: Netware for Nintendo
Comma, Comma, Comma, Comma, Comma, Quotation Mark . . .
Common sense is what tells you that the world is flat.
A company is known by the people it keeps.
The complete lack of evidence is a sure sign that the plan is working.
Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.
Computer actors will never be great;
they only get bit parts!
Computer Engineers do it bit by bit.
Computer hackers do it all night long.
The computer is the ultimate polluter:
its feces are indistinguishable from the food it produces.
Computer modelers simulate it first.
Computer possessed? Try EXOR.SYS!
Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
Computer Science is embarrassed by the computer.
Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.
Computer viruses are electronic graffiti.
Computer, delete WESLEY.EXE -- Entire Enterprise crew.
Computer, some girlie mags and a box of tissues. -Wesley Crusher
Computer, you and I need to have a little talk. -[Miles Edward] O'Brien
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers can never replace human stupidity.
Computers help us to solve problems we never had before they came along.
Computers save time like kudzu prevents soil erosion.
Computers Unite! You have nothing to lose but your operators.
Conceit is God's gift to little men.
The concept seems to be clear by now.
It has been defined several times by examples of what it is not.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
Condense soup, not books.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
Confucius say too damn much!
Confusion not only reigns, it pours.
Congress shall make NO LAW abridging the freedom of speech or of the press
EXCEPT after suitable hand-waving.
Congressional corruption: a renewable resubcat.
Conscience is that inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Conscious is when you are aware of something and
conscience is when you wish you weren't.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one
A conservative is someone who believes that nothing
should be done for the first time.
Conservative: one who wants men holding guns, not holding hands.
Consider the following axioms carefully:
"Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz."
and "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it."
What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker?
The thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being?
Try not to consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke".
Constants aren't; variables don't.
The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a helluva lot better than
what the government's using these days.
Constitutions are made of paper; bayonets are made of steel.
A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.
The cooing stops with the honeymoon; the billing goes on forever.
Cookies are to be eaten . . . C H O M P !
Correct me if I'm wrong, everybody else does.
Cosmetics: A woman's means for keeping a man from reading between
The cost of feathers has risen . . . Now even down is up!
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
Could John Wayne have ever taken Normandy, Iwo Jima, Korea, the Gulf of
Tonkin, and the entire Wild West on a diet of quiche and salad?
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal,
if you are all thumbs.
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal,
if you don't use your thumbs.
Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Courage is your greatest present need.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Creativity -- Not referencing your sources.
Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
Crime does not pay . . . as well as politics.
Crime wouldn't pay, if the government ran it.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
A crisis is when you can't say, "Let's forget the whole thing."
Crucitruth is stranger than Crucifiction.
Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of e-mail!
Cry havoc, and let loose the dogs of war . . .
The CS Sage says: Seek new employment prior to the imposition of
performance penalties on your project.
Cthulhu for President -- if you're tired of choosing the
lesser of two evils!
Cthulhu in '96 -- the stars are right . . .
Cthulhu is a pawn of Barney!
Cthulhu loves me, this I know; the Necronomicon told me so.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Curiosity killed a cat . . . the rest got smarter.
A cynic is a person searching for an honest man with a stolen lantern.
D.A.M.N. Naked Mothers Against Dyslexia
D.A.R.E. -- Drug are real expensive
Dafynition #287: TSR=Trash System Randomly
Daisies of the world unite!
You have nothing to lose but your chains.
Dammit Jim, I'm an Alzheimer's patient, not a . . . uh . . . uh.
Damn the documentation, full speed ahead!
Dan Quayle -- The Man Who Would Be Kinge
Dances with Tribbles: Stomp SQUEAK Stomp SQEAK
Dare to dream -- Nobody can take that away from you.
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.
A day without sunshine is like night.
Daylight-savings is like trying to be taller by cutting off your head and
standing on it.
Dear Santa: All I want is a copy of your list of naughty girls.
Death and taxes are both certain . . . but death isn't annual.
Death before dishonor; but neither before breakfast.
Death is life's answer to the question, "Why?"
Death is light as a feather; duty is heavier than a mountain.
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
Death is nature's way of telling you you've been fired.
Death is the greatest kick of all. That's why they save it for last.
Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!
The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
Decadence is its own reward.
Deep Space 9: the continuing story of Sisko and his Kid.
Defeat is an orphan. Victory has a hundred fathers.
Defend the Constitution from all enemies, foreign & elected!
Define the universe and give three examples.
Definition of a prostitute -- receiver of swollen goods.
Definition of Innocence: Nun working in condom factory thinking she's
making sleeping bags for mice.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Deja Vu -- When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's
because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.
"Democracy is not a spectator sport." --Craig Wilson
"Yeah, but a republic is." --Glenn Busbin
"Yes, but then the bulls gore the audience." --Jim Warren
Democracy is the form of government where everybody gets
what the majority deserves.
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are
right more than half of the time.
Democracy, minority rights: pick one.
Democracy: It's a great software package, but the installation program
is a real bitch.
Democrats are sexy, I mean have you ever heard of a nice piece of elephant.
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
Depart in pieces . . . i.e., Split.
Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.
Desk: a large wastebasket with drawers and a phone.
The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
The devil finds work for idle glands.
Diagnostic software runs to completion no matter how broken the
Did Mt. St Helens make Seattle Wash. ?
Did Qmodem originate in the Q continuum?
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Did you ever feel like the whole world was a tuxedo
and you were a pair of white socks?
Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed?
Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?
Did you hear that Woody Allen's girlfriend is pregnant
with his next girlfriend?
Did you say your uncle kicked the bucket?
No, he just turned a little pail.
Did you want the man in charge, or the woman who knows what's going on?
Didn't the book of Revelations say something about a plague of Newts?
Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it.
The difference between a financier and a pickpocket is
mainly one of naughts.
The difference between e-mail and regular mail
is that computers handle e-mail, and computers never decide
to come to work one day and shoot all the other computers.
The difference between inlaws and outlaws is that otlaws are wanted!
The difference between meat and fish is that if you beat your fish it dies.
The difference between this place and the Titanic is that they had a band.
Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look
stout in a fur coat.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell
in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way
that you will look forward to the trip.
A dirty book is rarely dusty.
Disclaimer: I do not speak for the homosexual conspiracy. I only work here.
Disclaimer: My employers seldom even LISTEN to my opinions.
Meta-disclaimer: Any society that needs disclaimers has too many lawyers.
Disclaimer? I don't even know her!
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Discoveries are made by not following instructions.
Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.
A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano . . .
DM: "And the Mage draws her two handed sword."
PC: "We're in trouble."
Do blind eskimoes have seeing-eye sled dogs?
Do children who curse in sign language get their hands washed out
Do I believe in the Bible? Hell Man, I've seen one!
Do I look like a freakin' people person?
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
Do it today, tomorrow it will be illegal.
Do married women make the best wives?
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and
beat you with experience.
Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
Do not disturb. I had a hard enough time getting turbed.
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will
piddle on your keyboard.
Do not meddle in the affairs of minstrels -- for your name is silly,
and scans to 'Greensleeves'.
Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.
Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss's job.
Do not worry about which side your bread is buttered on: you eat
Do not write on walls -- use a typewriter.
Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.
Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the
Do unto others before they undo you.
Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
Do you always believe what a computer tells you?
Do you know what floccinaucinihilipilification means?
Doc, note, I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod.
The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.
Document code? Why do you think they call it "code"?
Documentation is like sex: When it's good, it's fantastic,
when it's bad . . .
Documentation is the castor oil of programming . . .
Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much.
Does a fish get cramps after eating?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Does the phrase anal retentive have a hyphen?
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
Does water sink or float?
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Doesn't the fact that there are exactly 50 states seem
a little suspicious?
Dog suspended from obedience school: kid ate his homework!
A dog teaches a boy three important life lessons:
Be loyal, be obedient, and rotate three times before you lie down.
A dogma is the hand of the dead on the throat of the living.
Dogmatism: Puppyism come to full growth.
Dogs come when you call. Cats have answering machines.
Dogs do not dislike poor families.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can
train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Don't answer the question; kill the sphinx!
Don't ask me; I was hired for my looks.
Don't ask the barber whether you need a haircut.
Don't be afraid to go out on a limb. That's where the fruit is.
Don't be humble, you're not that great.
Don't be so hard on Clinton. Wouldn't you cheat on Hillary too?
Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out.
Don't believe everything you think.
Don't believe in conspiracy theories.
They are all a plan of the intelligentsia to stop us finding out the truth.
Don't blame me, I voted for Jefferson Davis!
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
Don't buy furs, it takes trees to make protest signs.
Don't comment bad code -- rewrite it.
DON'T DRINK AND PARK -- accidents cause people!
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Don't force it, use a bigger hammer.
Don't get even -- get odd!
Don't get saucy with me, Bearnaise.
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.
Don't judge a book by its movie.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Don't laugh at the coffee. Some day you, too, may be old and weak.
Don't let them immanentize the Eschaton.
Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.
Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
Don't make a mockery of honest 'ad hoc'-ery.
DON'T MAKE ME USE ALL CAPS!!!!!
Don't marry for money -- you can borrow it cheaper.
Don't panic . . . it's only a virus
Don't permit yourself to get caught between a dog and a lamppost.
Don't play stupid with me -- I'm better at it!
Don't question authority, they don't know either
Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Don't take life too seriously, it's not permanent.
Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me
where to get more wax!
Don't think of it as a "new" computer, think of it as
Don't think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself to keep
a total stranger alive. It's really a total stranger giving up
almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive.
Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater -
unless he's floating face down.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation -
as you grow older it starts avoiding you.
Don't worry about getting old. It's better to be over the hill than
Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
Don't worry if it doesn't work right.
If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.
They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
Dont tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
DOS=HIGH -- Hmm, I knew it was on something . . .
Double check the redundancy generator will you?
Down with categorical imperative!
Drag me! Drop me! Make me feel like an object!
Drag the Joneses down to your level. It's cheaper.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Drilling for oil is boring.
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
Drink wet cement: get stoned.
Drive A: not responding . . . Formating C: instead
Drive defensively -- buy a tank.
Drive no faster than your guardian angel can fly!
A drop of love can prevent the spilling of oceans of blood.
Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
Drop your carrier . . . we have you surrounded!
Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.
Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
Duct tape is like the force.
It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Due to circumstances beyond your control,
you are master of your fate and captain of your soul.
Due to financial considerations, the light at the end of the tunnel
has been extinguished.
A duel of wits? To the DEATH?
Dying bravely doesn't make you any less dead.
Dying is the last thing I want to do.
Dyslexia: it can warn without striking!
Dyslexic Christian sells soul to Santa; news at 11
Dyslexic Treehuggers for Global Deforestation
Dyslexics of the world -- Untie!
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
A E I O U <- This is the sound of a child . . . who is hooked.
E-mail: When it absolutely has to get lost at the speed of light.
Each new day is a gift from God. How you live it is your gift to Him.
Each time I think the world is moving too fast, I visit the post office.
Earl of Sandwich: Upon my honor, Wilkes, I don't know whether
you will die on the gallows or of the pox.
John Wilkes: That must depend, my Lord, upon whether I first
embrace your Lordship's principals, or your Lordship's mistresses.
The early bird gets the worm. The early worm . . . gets eaten.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The early worm catches the fish.
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail friends.
Earth First! We'll log the other planets later.
Earth is 98% full. Please delete anybody you can.
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much much heavier.
Easter has been cancelled. They found the body.
Easy credit, terms available . . . -Satan
Eat a Bible and pass the word.
Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.
Eat Shit! 10 Billion flies can't be wrong.
Economics is called the dismal science,
but that's just because most economists are dismal scientists.
An economist is a person who, when asked for his social security number,
gives an estimate.
An economist is one who knows 200 ways to make love but doesn't know
An economist is someone who would marry Farrah Fawcett for her money.
The economy depends about as much on economists as
the weather does on weather forecasters.
Ecumenicism -- getting to know the opposite sects.
Editing is a rewording activity.
Education helps earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
An egotist thinks he's in the groove when he's in a rut.
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill,
An it harme none, do what ye will.
The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune.
Electricians do it till it Hz!
Electrocution: burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
An elephant is a mouse built to Mil-spec.
Elevators smell different to midgets.
Eliminate government waste no matter how much it costs.
EMACS = Evil Masquerading As Common Software.
The emperor has no clothes.
Encryption doesn't kill people; people kill people.
End Global Warming with Nuclear Winter
End special rights for heterosexuals now!
Endless love -- Ray Charles playing Stevie Wonder in tennis.
"Energize," said Kirk, and the pink bunny appeared.
An engineer is someone who does list processing in Fortran.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have
enough features yet.
Engineers do it precisely. Technicians do it a lot.
Engineers never die --
They just lose their tolerance.
Enjoy yourself while you can. You'll be dead a very long time.
Enough research will tend to support any theory.
Ensign Crusher, please report to airlock three . . .
Ensign Walnut approaches Dr Crusher with caution.
Enthusiasm without knowledge is like running in the dark.
Entomology: I fear no weevil.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Epigrams are macros, since they are executed at read time.
Epperson's Law: When a man says it's a silly, childish game,
it's probably something his wife can beat him at.
Error 754: Cannot locate error message for error 392
Error finding REALITY.SYS -- Load TREK.SYS instead? (Y/n)
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Eschew Obfuscation, Espouse Elucidation.
ET IOCUNDIS IMPERAT DEUS PUERILIS
[And over all pleasurable things reigns a boyish god (Eros).]
Eternal nothingness is fine if you're dressed for it.
'Eternal Vigilance Is The Price of Liberty' used to mean we watched
the government -- not the other way around.
Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas!
Even my *mother* is on the Internet now.
She wants to know why I don't send her e-mail more often.
Even rats learn from experience.
Even the best of friends can't attend each other's funeral.
Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.
Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United States
we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only 2 cents a day.
Even though you keep your nose to the grindstone,
it doesn't mean that you're good for anything
besides cutting bread with your nose.
Even water tastes bad when taken on doctor's orders.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then
proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Ever notice that "Cupid" rhymes with "Stupid"?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.
Every American crusade ends up as a racket.
Every day above ground is a good day.
Every fish needs a bicycle.
Every flower that blooms goes through a lot of dirt to get there.
Every interesting program has at least
one variable, one branch, one loop,
and at least one bug!
Every man reaps what he sows, except the amateur gardener.
Every path has a few puddles.
Every program has (at least) two purposes:
the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.
Every program is part of some other program and rarely fits.
Every society honors its live conformists and its dead troublemakers.
Every time history repeats itself the price goes up.
Every time I lose weight,
It finds me again!
Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
Every woman's a 10; it just depends which base you're counting in.
Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth,
and if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Everybody lies but it doesn't matter because nobody listens.
Everybody loves some bawdy sometime.
Everybody needs an uncle. I could be that uncle.
Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be
taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers.
Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Everyone laughs and cries in the same language. -dreamslaughter
Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to help mom wash dishes.
Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
no one we know belongs.
EVERYTHING IS UNDER CONTROL
(A public service announcement from the Bavarian Illuminati)
Everything should be as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
Exceptions prove the rule -- and wreck the budget.
Excitement is Irrelevant (Locutus of Pontiac)
Exercise before kinky sex -- you should be fit to be tied.
The existence of God implies a violation of causality.
Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
Expense Accounts (n.): Corporate food stamps.
Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.
Experience is the comb nature gives us when we're bald.
Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Experience, the name given by men to their mistakes.
The expert is a person who avoids the small errors
as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
An expert is someone from out of town.
Express an opinion, but send advice by freight.
Expressions of exasperation are not arguments.
F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM!
Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with every Microsoft product.
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them use to reality.
Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
Faith is the quality that allows you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
without looking to see whether the seeds move.
Fall not in love therefore, it will stick to your face.
Falling in love is a lot like dying.
You never get to do it enough to become good at it.
Falls don't kill people. It's the deceleration trauma.
False pregnancy: laboring under a misconception
Familiarity breeds children.
Fantasy isn't our crutch. It's arcane.
variant: Magic isn't our crutch, it's arcane.
Faster and faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death.
Faster than a speeding ticket!
Fat people are harder to kidnap.
Fat person: Nutritional Overachiever
Fauns are never Satyr-sfied!
FEAR -- Fuck Everything And Run
Fear The Government That Fears Your Modem.
Feast of the Vestal Virgins: Cherries jubilee.
Features should be discovered, not documented.
The fecal material has hit the air circulating device.
Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions . . .
A fellow can't keep people from having a bad opinion of him,
but he can keep them from being right about it.
Female programmers get their bits twiddled.
Ferengis in Black: Yea Right. Where's the profit in that?
Few of us ever test our powers of deduction,
except when filling out an income tax form.
A few people get up bright and early; most of us just get up early.
Few things are as ego-boosting as being thrown out of an anarchy convention
for unruly behavior.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
The fewer clear facts you have in support of an opinion,
the stronger your emotional attachment to that opinion.
Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
Fighting on the internet is like running in the Special Olympics.
Even if you win, you're still retarded.
File not found, but if you'll hum a few bars . . .
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Filk is 8-bit folk music with the parody bit set!
A filker by any other name would still sound bl**dy awful . . .
Find God? Why, is he missing?
Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
variant: Fine: Tax for doing wrong. Tax: Fine for doing fine.
The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
Finish your mail packet! Children are offline in India!
The first flea market started from scratch.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time,
and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
First things first -- but not necessarily in that order
**FLASH** Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Flattery is like chewing gum. Enjoy, but don't swallow.
Flatulence: An emergency vehicle that transports patients to the hospital
after being squashed by a steamroller
Flee at once, all is discovered.
Flexible people never get bent out of shape.
Flirt: a woman who thinks it's every man for herself.
The floggings will continue until morale improves.
There is not now, and never will be, a language in
which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your
underwear during a fire drill.
The following statement is not true:
The food here is terrible -- and such small portions, too!
A fool and his freedom are soon parted.
A fool and his money are my two favorite people.
A fool and his party are soon elected.
A fool and your money are soon partners.
Fools rush in -- and get the best seats.
A foot is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
For a crime this outrageous, we sentence you to two weeks of Barney.
For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
For a sweet time, call c6h12o6
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
For every post, there is an equal and opposite riposte.
For every time you regret keeping silent,
there'll be a hundred times you regret speaking.
For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
For real sponge cake, borrow all ingredients.
For Sale: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
For Sale: Rottweiler. Eats anything. Fond of children.
For those of you who think life is a joke,
just think of the punchline.
For those who say I can't impose my morality on others, I say
just watch me.
Forbidden fruit causes many jams.
Forfeit: What most animals stand on.
Forgery is a capital offense.
Forget about the past -- you can't change it.
Forget about the future -- you can't predict it.
Forget about the present -- I'm not going to buy you one.
Forget about World Peace . . . Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Forget the Joneses -- you can't even keep up with the Simpsons!
Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
Fortunately Chancellor Baldrick had a cunning plan . . .
The fortune you seek is in another cookie
Forty isn't old, if you're a tree.
Found on a door in the MSU music building:
This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
The founding fathers were just a bunch of guys trying to get out of paying
their taxes, after all!
Four out of five herrings that smoke get bagels.
Four out of five people hate being surveyed.
Free Norplant for everyone!
Free Speech -- While Supplies Last!
Free the Bound Periodicals!
Freedom for us is prison for the rulers of thought.
Freedom is the light for which many have died in the dark.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
A friend will help you move. A real friend will help you move a body.
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Friends don't let friends use Windows.
Frisbee players are ultimate lovers.
From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
Fun is taking you to the edge of insanity, then pushing.
Fundamentalism (n.): fund = give cash to; amentalism = brainlessness
Fundamentalism today is what Americans claim they fled Europe to escape.
Fundamentalists never wonder why, if herpes is sent by 'god' to scourge
adulterers, whooping cough and measles weren't purposely created to
Funeral home: A stately manse occupied by transients who continually
receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them.
Fur is murder -- to clean.
The future belongs to the weird.
Gardeners are prone to sodden decisions!
Gardening tip: Weed it and reap.
Gargling twice daily is a good way to see if your neck leaks.
Gay Zionism: Sodom for the sodomites!
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man. . .
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
Genetics explains why you look like your father,
and if you don't, why you should.
Genius does what it must.
Talent does what it can.
You had best do what you're told.
A genius is an average student with a Jewish mother.
Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
Genius: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that
rhymes with "bright".
The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
Geometer turned general -- a sphereless leader.
Get thee down. Be thou funky.
Get thy hand out of my groin else I shall smite thee!
Get your mind out of the gutter -- and while you're there, get mine.
Getting even is a moral imperative.
Girdle: an accessory after the fat.
Girls are like internet domain names, the ones I like are already taken.
Give -- help send a girl to Boys Town.
Give a jackass an education and all you get is a smart ass.
Give a woman an inch, and she'll park a car in it.
Give a speculator an inch, and he'll build a condo.
Give Jeffrey Dahmer a mess kit and a ticket to DC!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Give me librium or give me meth.
'Give me the gun,' Bond said disarmingly.
Give your children mental blocks for Christmas.
Given a conflict, Murphy's Law supercedes Newton's.
Go Hawaiian: Give your gal a lei.
Go placidly amongst the noise and haste . . .
. . . But don't forget to take your Uzi.
Go thou and sin more creatively next time.
A goal is a dream with a deadline.
The goal of science is to build a better mousetrap.
The goal of nature is to build a better mouse.
Goalie for the dart team.
God always has another custard pie up His sleeve.
God did not create the world in seven days.
He partied for six and then pulled an all-nighter.
God favors no group. Only religions do that.
God gave us two ends.
One to sit on and one to think with.
Success depends on which one you use; heads you win-tails you lose.
God gave you a brain, not a bible!
God is love, but get it in writing.
God is not dead -- he just couldn't find a parking place.
God is not dead. He is alive and working on a less ambitious project.
God is not dead; He is only swapped out.
God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent -- it says so
right here on the label.
God is real, unless declared integer.
God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
God may have a last name but I'm sure it's not 'Damn It'.
God may reward martyrs, but life seldom does.
God was my co-pilot, but we crashed into the mountains
and I had to eat him.
Goddess grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the weaponry to make the difference
Gods don't kill people. People with gods kill people.
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.
They gave him love and he invented marriage.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school
make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.
Golfer: One who yells "fore!", takes five and writes down three.
A good frame of mind, but no picture.
A good hot dog feeds the hand that bites it.
Good judgement comes from experience, which comes from bad judgement.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from
bad judgment . . .
A good man has few enemies. A ruthless man has none.
A good memory does not equal pale ink.
A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
A good pun is its own reword.
A good scapegoat is usually better than a solution to the problem.
Good thing H.P. Lovecraft didn't have a spell checker . . .
Good things come to those who wait;
better things come to those who refuse to wait.
A good workman is known by his tools.
Gossip is the opiate of the bored.
Got Mole problems?
Call Avogadro at 6.02 X 10^23
Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer.
A government should fear those it governs; tyranny cannot be
far away in a democracy where the elected fear not the electorate.
Government corruption will always be reported in the past tense.
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
The government has 3 new savings bonds: The Steffie bond with no maturity,
the Gore bond with no interest and the Clinton bond with no principle.
The Government has secrets.
If I discover their secrets, it is a crime.
I have secrets.
If the Government discovers my secrets, it is law enforcement.
A government that fears an armed populace -- should.
Graduate school: It's not just a job, it's an indenture.
Graffiti has changed deface of the nation.
A grammarian's life is always intense.
Graphic Artist seeks Boss with vision impairment.
The grass is always greener on the other side,
but that's because they use more manure.
The grass is always greener on the other side.
But what most people don't realize is that it still has to be mowed.
Grass is nature's way of saying "High!"
Graveyards are full of the indispensable.
variant: The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
Great minds discuss ideas,
Average minds discuss events,
Small minds discuss people.
The greatest beauty in the world is beauty that is private.
The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
Grits -- Cream of Wheat with an Attitude.
Gross ignorance: 144 times worse than normal ignorance.
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.
"Gullible" isn't in the dictionary. Go ahead, look it up!
Gun control -- The theory that Black people will be better off when only
Mark Fuhrman has a gun.
Gun control laws don't die, people do.
"Gun Control" is hitting your target!
"Gun Control" isn't about guns . . . it's about control.
Gun control: the assumption that everyone is a criminal.
Guns don't kill people -- it's those little hard things.
Guns don't kill people . . . unless you aim real good.
Guns don't kill people, Postal workers do.
Guns don't kill people. I do.
Guppy Rules of Life:
If it's smaller than you, eat it.
If it's larger than you, swim away from it.
If it's the same size as you, mate with it.
A guru went to the dentist and said, "I'd like to transcend
The guy sitting next to me smells like he thinks soap is a four letter word.
Hacker: One who knows 867 ways to have sex but can't get a date.
Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
Half of the people in the world are below average.
A hammer sometimes misses its mark -- a bouquet never.
A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and
love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and
not try to understand her at all.
Happiness can't buy money.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
Happiness is a hard disk.
"Happiness is a warm puppy", said the anaconda.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Happiness is twin floppies.
Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
The hard part isn't to die for a friend, but to find a
friend worth dying for.
Hard work has future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
The harder you fall, the higher you bounce.
The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross
and which to burn.
Hardware (n.): The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Hartley's First Law:
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
on his back, you've got something.
Has anyone else noticed that Jenny Craig needs to go on a diet?
hAS aNYONE sEEN mY cAPSLOCK kEY?
Hasty schizophrenics do things in a lickity split way.
Hate is taught, love is natural.
Have a nice day . . . unless you have other plans.
Have you ever been to a zoo -- I mean, as a visitor?
Have you noticed that almost all great inventions are the direct result of
* trying to get around some stupid rule
* trying to avoid any real work
* trying to avoid paying for something
Have you read the Penguin Book of Quotations.
(I never realised penguins had that much to say.)
Haven't been there. Don't want to do it. Don't need another t-shirt.
Hawaii is as American as apple poi.
He didn't know if it was a gun in her pocket or she was just pleased to see
him, but neither option looked good.
He does the work of 3 Men . . . Moe, Larry & Curly
He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions
He had a romantic relationship with alcohol.
He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he
He keeps differentiating . . . flying off on a tangent.
He thought all women were biased: "Buy us this" and
"Buy us that."
He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
He was going to sell his armor for thirtyseven cents an ounce -
it was first class mail.
He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
He was starting to annoy me, so I gave him another try at reincarnation.
He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
He who cachinnates ultimately, cachinnates optimally.
He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
He who hates vices hates mankind.
He who hesitates is constipated.
He who hesitates is last.
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
He who is henpecked may lend an ear to other chicks.
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
He who laughs last is probably your boss.
He who laughs last thinks slowest
He who lives by the sword, should go out and get himself a
really nice sword.
He who lives by the sword, will die by the longbow!
He who puts his nose to the grindstone is a bloody fool.
He who slings mud loses ground.
He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages will be known,
far and wide, as a smart-ass.
He who uses bad language is an ignorant schmuck.
He who watches the clock will always be one of the hands.
He's a few fries short of a Happy Meal.
variants: She's one taco short of a combination plate.
He's a few releases short of beta.
Some days I think I'm a wheel short of a unicycle.
He's so cheap when he pays you a compliment he asks for a receipt.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia.
He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be
there . . . with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Heard on Noah's ark: Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
A heart in love with beauty never grows old.
Heck was created for those who refuse to believe in Gosh.
Hefty Condoms . . . for when you pick up real trash!
Heisenberg may have slept here.
(reference to Werner Heisenberg [1901-1976] whose work in
quantum mechanics [1925-27] established the "uncertainty principle"
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Hell is a place where the motorists are French, the policemen are Germans,
the traffic patterns are Bostonian, and the cooks are English.
Hell must be full. The damned are working tech support.
Hello, I am cookie number ³°Þ°³°³Û°³Ŷ³°Ŷ³³
variants include: "I am part number . . ."
"I am message number . . .",
"I am Borg [number] . . .", "Bonjour! Je suis . . .",
and so forth
Hello, San Diego Padres Fans Suicide Hotline.
Hello? Mental hospital? Room 38 empty? Great! I'm still free!
!xob XINEX siht edisni kcuts m'I ,pleH
[NOTE: XENIX was Microsoft Corporation's version of the UNIX computer
operating system, now discontinued]
Help preserve wildlife. Pickle a Squirrel today!
Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!
Help! I'm being held prisoner in a fortune cookie factory!
Help! I've Risen and I can't Get Down! -Jesus at a disco
Help, the paranoids are after me!
Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
Here is the price of freedom: Your every drop of courage,
ounce of pain, pint of blood. Paid in advance.
Here [in cyberspace] no one can see the length of your hair,
the color of your skin, or the rage in your heart.
Heredity is the thing a child gets from the other side of the family.
Hermits never suffer from peer pressure.
Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs,
then they'd be algorithms.
"Hey Rocky, let's do the Time Warp!" "Again?"
Hey Worf . . . I hooked Data up to a Modem . . . Wanna see?
Hey, Palin! Jesus was a Community Organizer, Pontius Pilate was a Governor.
Hi! I'm heavily armed, easily bored, and off medication.
Hi, I don't remember your name either.
Hire the handicapped.
They're fun to watch.
Hire the morally handicapped.
His philosophy was a mixture of three famous schools -
the Cynics, the Stoics and the Epicureans
History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
History does not repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.
History is everything that happens apart from weather.
History records no more gallant struggle than that of humanity against the
History repeats itself. That's one of the things wrong with history.
Hit any user to continue.
Hockey is a game played by six good players and the home team.
Hoket on foniks werked fur me.
Hold on, I'm having a montage.
The hole in a donut and the hole in a toilet seat are made of exactly the
same material. However, you will not sell many donuts by advertising
Hollerith was punch drunk.
"Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor.
Honesty is next to poverty.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
Honey, I Formatted the Kid!
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honour the past, live the present, create the future.
A horse is a horse, of course, of course,
He follows a lifestyle we don't endorse,
He drinks the blood of a sheep, by force,
The vampire horse, Count Ed!
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if
you wish they were.
How "user friendly" need be this edition of Macbeth?
How can I love you if you won't lie down?
How can I prove I'm not crazy to people who are?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
How can you tell when a computer salesman is lying?
When his lips move.
How come it takes 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg? Because they're male
and refuse to ask directions.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How did a fool and his money GET together?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How do we know you're the real Angel of Death?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
How do you make Windows faster? Throw it harder!
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
How long does it take a DEC field service engineer to change a lightbulb?
It depends on how many bad ones he brought with him.
How many Bavarian Illuminati does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three: one to screw it in, and one to confuse the issue.
How many boards would the Mongols hoard if the Mongol hordes got bored?
How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to share the experience.
How many DM's does it take to change a light bulb? 3D6.
How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and another to reflect on how much more
gratifying it was than a man.
How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's a hardware problem.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a really long time and the light bulb has to want
How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a cab?
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored
How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to mix the drinks.
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
variant: I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking
me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
How was Thomas J. Watson buried? Face down, 9 edge first.
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
How you look depends on where you go.
A hug is the perfect gift:
One size fits all, and no one minds if you give it back.
Human beings were created by water to carry water uphill.
Human flesh, the other other white meat.
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity
-- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
Human rights are non-negotiable. Respect the Bill of Rights, or you'll
soon find out why the Second Amendment guarantees the right to keep
and bear arms.
Humanity without religion is like a serial killer without a chainsaw.
Hummingbirds never remember the words.
A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something
The Hunchback of Notre Dame's secret mantra: Oh mommy pat my hump.
A hundred rabbits do not make a horse, a hundred suspicions
does not make proof.
Hunger is the best sauce.
Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild,
but when they leave they take your house and car.
A HUSBANDS FONDEST WISH: that he was doing all the things his wife suspects
Hypocrisy is the vaseline of social intercourse.
I my kids -- I my dog -- I my wife.
I always take life with a grain of salt, . . . plus a slice of lemon,
. . . and a shot of tequila.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and
a shot of tequila.
I am a computer: dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
I am a Klingon, sir. I *DO NOT* whistle while I work!
I am an artist! (Okay, a scam artist.)
I am an artist, not a philanthropist. -God
I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete.
Then if they muck up i will just hit them all at once.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious,
self-righteous people around me.
I am not an unattractive person. I am downright hideous.
I AM objective; I object to everything.
I am one with my duality.
I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I
stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. -Gilda Radner
I believe Jesus came to take away my sin, not my mind.
I believe the children are our future: Nasty, brutish, and short.
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last,
which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on,
who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
I BM. You BM. We all BM for IBM!
I brake for hallucinations.
I brake for no apparent reason.
I call them as I see them. If I can't see them I make them up.
I can answer any question. (Often the answer is "I don't know")
I can imagine a world without war, a world without hate.
And I can imagine us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone . . .
I can sum up everything I've learned about life in three
words -- IT GOES ON.
I can't help being me . . . I was born this way.
I child-proofed my house, but they keep getting back in.
I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no socks.
I cry during sex . . . fucking Mace.
I deserve true love -- even if it cost me $3.99 a minute.
I did NOT claw my way to the top of the foodchain to eat vegetables.
variant: I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be
I did read the docs, I just didn't understand them.
I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time, either.
I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I didn't vote for her, uh them, er him.
I didn't wake up this morning . . .
--World's shortest Blues song
I disagree with what you say,
but will defend to the death your right to tell such LIES!
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured
by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
I distinctly remember forgetting that.
I do whatever my Rice Crispies tell me to do.
I don't believe in astrology, but I'm an Aquarius and we're skeptical.
I don't care if I'm a Lemming, I'm not going!
I don't care who you are fatso! Get the reindeer off my roof!
I don't cheat -- I play by the extended rules.
I don't have a license to kill, just a learner's permit.
I don't have a solution but I really admire the problem.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
I don't know. I don't care. And it doesn't make any difference.
I don't need speed reading. I need speed bookcase building.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I don't suppose it's going to rain. --Joan of Arc
I don't want the whole world, just your half.
I don't yell in your ear, please don't pound on my keyboard.
I dream of a better tomorrow . . . where chickens can cross the road
and not be questioned about their motives.
I em zee Svedeesh Cheff oof Burg. Zee cheeckee veell be-a esseemileted
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation,
but I'm not very good at it.
I feel like an 18 year old; is one handy?
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I fuck anything that moves -- so don't fidget.
I gave up wine, women and song . . . worst 10 minutes of my life.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I get everything I set my mind to -- now where did I set my mind?
I get exercise being a pallbearer for friends who exercised.
I get my monkeys for nothing and my chimps for free.
I got a mind like a steel trap: it's rusty and illegal in 19 states.
I got a mind like a steel trap: things wander in and get mangled.
I got a pair of hamsters for my son. I think I made a good trade.
I got arrested for going 14400 in a 2400 zone.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and
he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
I said, "You'll be sorry."
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
I had my car's alignment checked. It's Chaotic Evil!
variant: I just got my car's alignment checked, and it's
"I hate Jews!"
"But aren't you Jewish yourself?"
"That's how I know I hate them."
I hate rabbit jokes, they're so coney!
I hate to repeat gossip, so I'll say this only once . . .
'I hate Victor Hugo', said Les miserably.
I have a grip on reality -- just not this particular one.
I have a life, see: DIR X:\ME\LIFE\CURRENT\TODO\NOW\*.*
I have a mind like a steel sieve.
I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
I have a Tarasque for a familiar, you know.
I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass . . . and I'm
all out of kick ass.
I have engaged the enemy. The wedding is this friday.
I have no problem with God. It's his fan clubs I hate.
I have no sense of decency -- that way all my other senses are enhanced!
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
I have seen the evidence. I want DIFFERENT evidence!
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
I have the body of a god: Buddha
I have the strength of ten men! (Small, weak, skinny men with asthma.)
I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself.
I have two personalities. One is paranoid, and the other is out to get him.
I haven't had this much sex since I was a Boy Scout leader!
I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere
I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of
state and local laws.
I honor my personality flaws for without them I'd have no
personality at all.
I invest in negotiable blondes.
I just found the last bug.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I just had a mental breakdown. Got any jumper cables?
I just picked up a book called Glue in Many Lands
and I can't put it down.
I just remembered . . . You're boring and my legs work.
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
I kind of like the idea of a mind-destroying tome of evil appearing in
mass-market rack-size paperback.
I knocked several times, but you weren't in. -Opportunity
I know a good cookie when I steal one!
I know a guy who worked his way thru med school delivering pizzas.
Now he's an obstetrican, and guarantees delivery in thirty minutes or less!
I know I'm not Mr Right, but would you settle for Mr Right Now?
I know when I'm out of my league. I just don't care.
"I ktx.now" is just "I Believe" with delusions of grandeur
I left my tart in Aunt Fran's Crisco.
I let my mind wander once. It never came back!
I like a person who operates at a 90° angle to reality.
I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
variant: I love children -- but I couldn't eat a whole one.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I like my women the way I like my coffee: Ground up and in the freezer.
I like my women the way I like my sandwiches: Reubenesque.
I like the future, I'm in it.
I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic
I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.
I like your approach, now let's see your departure.
I live in a quiet neighborhood. They use silencers.
I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.
I love cats . . . they taste just like chicken
I love my country. I fear my government.
I love my mom . . . and you can too for just $15.
I love the Internet, I no longer have to depend upon my friends, family and
co-workers, I can annoy people WORLDWIDE!
I love the smell of napalm in a newsgroup.
I love the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I majored in Liberal Arts. Will that be for here or to go?
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
I may have my faults, but being wrong isn't one of them.
I may not be cheap, but I am on special this week.
I multi-task, I read in the bathroom.
"I must do something" will always solve more problems than
"Something must be done".
I need a longer extension for my umbilical cord.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I object to sex on TV, I keep falling off!
I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!
I played God last night. And lost, six to nothing.
I plead contemporary insanity.
I prefer to remain anomalous.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction.
I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
I remember my first sexual encounter because I kept the
recipe. -Jeffrey Dahmer
I remember when the candle shop burned down.
Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
I said to *tuck* the kids in bed. -Mia Farrow
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.
My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?'
I said 'No, six should be enough.'
I sleep like a baby . . . with a breast in my mouth.
i souport publik edekasion.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I still have a full deck; I just shuffle slower now.
I still miss my ex-wife . . . BUT, my aim is improving!
I support drug testing. I believe every public official should be given a
shot of sodium pentathol and asked "Which laws have you broken
I swear on my mother's virginity!
I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.
I tell ya, I could still beat somebody up pretty well with a
plowshare . . .
I thank my lucky stars I'm not superstitious.
I think all sweeping generalisations are wicked and evil.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.
I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
I think, therefore I am overqualified.
I think, therefore I am paid.
I thought about being born again, but Mom refused.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.
He said I was being ridiculous -- everyone hasn't met me yet.
I too seek the light, so long as it tastes great and is not too filling.
I took a lie detector test . . . no, I really didn't.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
variants: My IQ test came back negative.
The results of your IQ test were negative.
I tried an internal modem, but it hurt when I walked.
I tried drowning my sorrows -- then the suckers learned how to swim!
I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I tried to contain myself, but I escaped.
I tried to get in touch with my inner child but it ran away screaming
'BAD TOUCH! BAD TOUCH!'
I tried to smoke some hash, but the corned beef wouldn't light!
I understand you are here to help me but I am a bit skeptical.
You see I have been helped by you before. . .
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.
I used to drive a Heisenbergmobile, but every time I looked at the
speedometer, I got lost.
I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a tolerance.
I used to have a handle on life -- then it broke.
I used to kiss her on the lips, but its all over now.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ.
Then I thought, "look what's telling me that."
I used to think the mind was the most important part of a person.
Then I realized what part of me is telling me that.
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into
all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to
travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I want to live forever or die in the attempt.
I was an immortal in a previous life.
I was not CREATING a disturbance, I was improving one already there.
I was so surprised at my birth, I couldn't talk for a year.
I wasn't born with enough middle fingers.
I will always love the false image I had of you.
I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself.
I wish you humans would leave me alone.
I won't ever grow up. My biological clock has a snooze button.
I won't rise to the occaasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner.
I work with user-surly software.
I worship the ground that awaits you.
I wouldn't be paranoid if everyone didn't pick on me.
I write my critical routines in assembler, and my comedy
routines in FORTRAN.
"I"m a lawyer." "Honest?"
"No, the usual kind.'
I'd fire you, but I don't mix business with pleasure.
I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
I'd like to do a backstroke in the pools of your eyes.
I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.
I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat.
I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore.
I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered.
I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night.
I'd rather have character than be one.
I'd rather have Lockheed deliver the mail
than ride around in a plane built by the post office.
I'll get a life when someone proves it would be superior to what I
I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD.
I'll put the tolet seat down when women start putting it up!
I'll see your pout and raise you a snit.
I'm a closet anarchist, but I keep blowing the dang thing up!
I'm a Compuvangelist. Have your files been saved?
I'm a peripheral visionary.
I'm a star! (Okay, a burned out little red dwarf.)
I'm a vegetarian not because I love animals but because
I really hate plants.
I'm all for computer dating,
but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
I'm an athiest. Swear to God!
I'm an influential person -- gravitationally speaking.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm as helpless as a kitten in a washing machine.
'I'm being sent down to the minors,' said the beleaguered pitcher.
I'm dangerous when I know what I'm doing.
I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
I'm doing this for your own good. -Any parent or executioner
I'm in shape -- round's a shape isn't it?
I'm ineffably tired of pro-war ideologues moaning about how the anti-war
folk are just 'complaining' without 'offering solutions' to global
dilemmas. Peace doesn't need a freekin' moral, ethical, economical,
or political qualification; war does. Peace doesn't ravage, plunder,
rape, or kill; war does. Peace does not need justification, war does.
I'm just a boy named 'su' . . .
I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
I'm madder than a pervert with palsy trying to draw a vagina on an
I'm not 40 . . . I'm 18 with 22 years experience.
I'm not a complete idiot . . . several parts are missing.
I'm not a computer scientist, but I play one at work . . .
I'm not a mercenary! Killing is more of a hobby with me.
I'm not a stable boy but every morning, I wake up a horse's ass.
I'm not afraid of the dark . . . It's the stuff IN the dark I'm afraid of!
I'm not always shallow, once I had a near-depth experience.
I'm not arguing with you; I'm telling you
I'm not arrogant, I'm right!
I'm not breaking the rules; I'm just testing their elasticity.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I'm not cynical; just experienced.
I'm not dead. I'm electroencephelographically challenged.
I'm not getting paid much for staying alive but it's good experience.
I'm not in denial, I'm just very selective about the reality I accept
I'm not just a Hair Club member, I'm also the captain.
I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing near you.
I'm not nuts, don't call me nuts. I'm condiments! I've been promoted!
I'm not overweight, I'm undertall.
I'm not paranoid! That's a rumour spread by my enemies . . .
I'm not perfect, but try going back to your SLIDE RULE!
I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.
I'm not Satan; I'm his lovely assistant.
I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'm not getting out
of this pentacle.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
I'm objective; I object to everything.
I'm on the Ouija-Board of Directors.
I'm putting the 'Sensual' in 'Non-Consensual'
I'm really enjoying not talking to you, so let's not talk again real soon.
I'm right 90% of the time, so why worry about the other 3%?
I'm right behind you -- you make a good shield.
I'm so close to Hell I can almost see Ottawa.
I'm sorry. Did I say that out loud?
I'm sweating more than a blind lesbian in a fish market.
I'm the kind of guy that comes down from the hill after the battle and
shoots the wounded.
I'm too cynical to be bitter.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
I've become an adult against my will!
I've compiled a list of your faults. It comes in 10 volumes.
I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
I've got a .sig, but I prefer my Glock.
I've got half a mind to get another lobotomy.
I've got morals, I just keep misplacing them.
"I've heard of wooden legs and plastic arms,
but a hickory dickory, Doc?"
I've just had an out-of-body experience, but wait, I'm
getting ahead of myself.
I've seen normal -- it ain't pretty.
IBM -- A corporation with a great future behind it.
The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter, Skelter".
Ichtheology (n.): The study of fishy smelling religions.
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
identity crisis: Anxiety-producing conflict, usually in
adolescents, over appropriate roles and expectations.
An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
If a = b and b = c, then we've got a messed up alphabet.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
variant: When cows laugh, does milk come out of THEIR noses?
If a leper gives you the finger, do you have to give it back?
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the
message across like a good mooning.
If a piano player is a pianist, is a race car driver a racist?
If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
If a train station is where train stops, what is a work station?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If a woman wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, why do they keep
abducting the dumbest people on earth?
If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
If all the economists in the world were laid end to end,
they still wouldn't reach a conclusion.
If all the girls at Vassar were laid end to end
I wouldn't be suprised!
If all the world's a stage, where are the gratuitous sex scenes?
If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
If Aphrodite had intended men to have free sex with other men She wouldn't
have established a temple tax on butt fucking.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished!
If at first you don't succeed, call it Version 1.0
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, don't skydive.
If at first you don't succeed, join the club.
If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
If at first you don't succeed, the bomb squad should *not* be a
If at first you don't succeed, work for Microsoft.
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee.
That will do them in.
If Death calls, take a message. I'll get back to him.
If debugging is the process of removing bugs,
then programming must be the process of putting them in.
If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
If electricity is a manifestation of electrons,
what is morality a manifestation of?
If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
If everybody in the world joined hands and reached across the globe,
some of us would be soaking wet and in danger of shark bite.
If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane!
If fortification is a large fort, why isn't ratification a large rat?
If gay and lesbian people are given civil rights, then everyone will
If God had been in favor of homosexuality,
He never would have created Anita Bryant!
If God had intended man to have computers,
he would have given him 16 fingers.
If God had intended politicians to think, he would have given them brains.
If God had not meant for us to procrastinate, he would not have created
If God had wanted man to fly, He would have given him airline tickets.
If God had wanted man to go around nude, He would have given him
If God had wanted you to go around nude, he would have given you
If God hadn't given us duct tape, it would have been necessary
to invent it.
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
If God were on the net he'd post anonymously.
If good things come in small packages,
then more good things can come in large packages.
If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
If guns are outlawed, I'll build missiles.
If guns were outlawed, how would liberals collect taxes?
If hackers ran the world, there'd be no war -- lots of accidents, maybe.
If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything.
If homosexuality is a disease, can I claim a medical deduction on my taxes?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
If I am not for me, who will be?
If not now, when?
If I am not for me, who will be?
But if I am only for myself, what am I?
If I am not me, who am I?
If I can make just one person laugh, then it must've been
a pretty good eulogy.
If I cannot bring you comfort, then at least I bring you hope . . .
If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
If I follow you home will you keep me?
If I had a hidden agenda, I'd probably lose it.
If I must go into eternity, I'd prefer to go by the scenic route.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes
on my cat.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
If I were really two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If ignorance isn't bliss, I don't know what is.
If it ain't broke, break it!
If it doesn't fit, you're not hitting it hard enough.
If it happens, it must be possible.
If it screams it's not food . . . yet.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be using BASI, PASAL, & OBOL.
If it weren't for carbon, I wouldn't date at all.
If it wern't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
If it works, don't fix it.
If it's God's will, who gets the money?
If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. -Murphy's Laws of Combat
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
If it's working, the diagnostics say it's fine.
If it's not working, the diagnostics say it's fine.
--A proposed addition to rules for realtime programming
If James Bond worked for a pickle company, he'd be licensed to dill.
If Jesus loves me, why doesn't he ever send me flowers?
If Jesus was into S&M would he use Miracle Whip?
If John F. Kennedy was reading this sentence, Lee Harvey Oswald would have
If laughter is pronounced 'lafter', shouldn't daughter be 'dafter'?
If laughter is the best medicine, shouldn't we be regulating it?
If laws were outlawed, only outlaws would be lawyers.
If life is unfair, why can't it be unfair in my favour?
If love is blind, lingerie makes great Braille.
If man were meant to fly, why would he keep losing his luggage?
If memory doesn't serve, at least it should do a good volley.
If memory serves me right, it would be the first time.
If money is the root of all evil, why do churches want so much?
If more Christians read the Bible there would be fewer of them.
variant: If Christians read the Bible we'd have fewer of them.
If morons could fly, it'd be pitch black.
If Moses had been a committee, the Israelites would still be in Egypt.
If music be the food of love, lay that funky bassline on me baby!
If music be the food of love, then some of it be the Twinkies of
If my God wins, you're screwed.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If Pat Buchanan and Ralph Reed were both drowning and you could save only
one of them, would you have lunch or read the paper?
If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,
he should see how bad it is with representation.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
If Q were castrated would he become . . . O?
If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a very silly question.
If Satan lost his hair, would there be Hell toupee?
If speed scares you, then use Windows 95!
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
If the enemy is in range, so are you. -Murphy's First Law of Combat
If the government wants us to respect the law, it should
set a better example.
If the human body is obscene, God is a pornographer.
If the minimum wasn't acceptable, it wouldn't be called the minimum.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a
If the sexes are equal, why is it that "Diamonds are a girl's
best friend" but "Man's best friend is his dog"?
If the truth is out there, what am I doing in here?!
If there is Artificial Intelligence, then there's bound to be some
If there is no sorrow for sin, there will be no joy in salvation.
If there were no such thing as bears, what kind of hugs would we give?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
If this message is unsatisfactory or displeasing in any way, return the
unused portion of the contents and we will return the unused portion of
If this were an actual cookie, it would be funny.
If this were subjunctive, I'm in the wrong mood.
If time heals all wounds, how come belly buttons stay the same?
If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?
If truth is stranger than fiction, you must be truth!
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.
If NOT voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
If we can't fix it -- its broken!
If we knew where we were going to fall, we could have spread a carpet
If we're all God's children, what makes Jesus so special?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
If wisdom were money, I would be destitute.
If you actually look like your passport photo,
you aren't well enough to travel.
If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.
If you are a rooster, crow; if you are a hen, shut up and lay eggs.
If you are what you eat, does that mean Euell Gibbons really was a nut?
If you are what you eat, then I'm fast, cheap and easy.
If you call me insane one more time, I'll eat your other eye.
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs,
obviously you must be the headsman.
If you can read this, then you didn't attend public school!
If you can read this, you scrolled too far!
If you can't be with the one you love, kill the one they're with.
If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
If you can't dazzle them with style, riddle them with bullets.
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to
buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll do it for you.
If you can't say something nice, say something surreal.
If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
If you cannot bite, do not show your teeth!
If you continually give you will continually have.
If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life,
your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.
If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road.
That's why the highway department made so many of them.
If you don't like the answer, you should never have asked the question.
If you don't think women are explosive . . . just drop one!
If you don't throw it, they can't hit it.
If you don't want to be replaced by a machine, don't act like one.
If you eat yogurt you'll have lots of culture.
If you ever feel pitiful, worthless, or depressed, just think,
you were once the strongest and most victorious sperm of millions.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not
achieved it's full potential, that word would be 'meetings'.
If you have knowledge, let others light their candles by it.
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
If you knew what Mona Lisa knew, you'd smile too.
If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
If you love life, it will love you back.
If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in
the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments.
If you must be a whore, at least don't be a cheap one.
If you must kill time, why not work it to death?
If you place me on a pedastal you will begin to smell my feet.
If you quote me on that, I'll have to deny it. Besides, my memory is
terrible. I forget things often. Also, my memory is horrible.
If you really want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
If you removed the rocks, the brook would lose its song.
If you see an onion ring -- answer it!
If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears,
would it create beautiful irony?
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
If you stay up all night wondering where the sun is, it will dawn on you.
If you think I'm sick, you should see the people I get quotes from!
If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try a different position.
If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
If you think you feel good you ought to feel me.
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If you use the weapons of your enemy, you slowly become your own enemy.
If you want a fortune, go to a Chinese restaurant.
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
If you want to look for fish, best not to look in desert.
If you worry what people think of you, you'd be surprised
how seldom they do.
If you're early, it's cancelled,
if you're on time, it's late,
if you're late, you're late.
If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
If you're happy and you know it clank your chains.
If you're looking for trouble I offer a wide variety.
variant: If you're looking for trouble, I brought enough
If you're not in bed by 10:00pm, give up and come home . . .
If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space.
If you're not making waves, kick harder!
If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
If you're proficient with a dildo, and you pick up a sword . . . you're in
If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
If your computer speaks English it was probably made in Japan.
If your feet smell and your nose runs -- you're built upside down.
If your life isn't X-rated you aren't trying hard enough.
Ignorance can be cured but at the rate you're going, it'll be more like a
Ignorance is a lack of knowledge. Stupidity is ignorance with pride.
Ignore the environment, it'll go away.
The illegal smuggling of mimes! No one talks it about it!
Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like
the land He's trying to ignore.
Illiterate? Write for a free brochure.
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
Immortality is a fate worse than death.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".
Impropriety is the soul of wit.
In a fight between you and the world, back the world.
In a nuclear war, all men are cremated equal.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what
is going on. This person must be fired first.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
In case of injury notify your superior immediately.
He'll kiss it and make it better!
In case of rape, this side up.
In computing, turning the obvious into the useful
is a living definition of the word 'frustration'.
In democracy its your vote that counts.
In feudalism its your count that votes.
In God we trust -- all others require a phase review.
In March July, October, May,
The Ides are on the fifteenth day,
The Nones the seventh: all other months besides
Have two days less for Nones and Ides.
In most instances, all an argument proves is that two people are present.
In my book you're a great guy. But then, it's a work of fiction.
In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty.
In order to discover anything, you must be looking for something.
In our haste to deal with the things that are wrong,
let us not upset the things that are right.
In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
In software systems it is often the early bird that makes the worm.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is
composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
In the battle of existence, Talent is the punch; Tact is
the clever footwork.
In the Beginning, the Lord said "Let there be Light!" . . . to
which the Lady replied "Get up and turn it on yourself!"
In the bookstore I asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
In the echo, the mighty echo, the moderator screams tonight . . .
In the name of the Old Man, the Kid, and the Spook, Amen.
In this government department you are not just a number to us.
(You are three numbers, a dash, three more numbers,
another dash, and another four numbers)
In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
In wickedness there is a strong strain toward rationality.
Incontinence Hotline, can you hold, please?
Indecision is the basis of flexibility.
Infant care has to be learned from the bottom up.
infliction of emotional distress: Actionable tort in most American
jurisdictions based on the relatively new idea that damages for emotional
pain are recoverable at law, whether the injury was inflicted
deliberately or negligently.
An informer should be hanged by his tongue.
inner child: Term coined by Baltimore therapist Dr Charles Whitfield,
author of the 1987 book Healing the Child Within [Pompano
Beach FL: Health Communications], to describe the
supposedly authentic self, repressed by dysfunctional
experience: According to pop psychology, 'getting in touch' with
one's inner child is the first step toward psychological well-being.
inner critic: The perfectionist voice inside one's head.
insecurity: Sense of being unsafe or not in control of one's fate.
Some psychologists believe that all neurotic behaviors
stem from it.
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
Integrity has no need for rules.
"Intel Inside" . . . The world's most widely used warning label.
Intel: putting the Backward in "Backward Compatible".
intellectual boob: Someone with a good education but no
Intelligence is knowing the answers,
Wisdom is knowing the questions.
Interchangeable parts won't.
INTERDUM STULTUS BENE LOQUITUR [Sometimes a fool speaks aright.]
Interesting Fact #31416: EVANGELIST is an anagram of EVIL'S AGENT.
Internet addiction disorder: Term coined by Ivan Goldberg in 1996 as
a parody of America's obsession with addiction, but now used earnestly
to describe people who are unable to control the amount of time they
spend online engaging in chat rooms, auction shopping, pornography,
gambling, day trading, etc.
The internet is full, go away.
Internet is Tetris for people who can still read.
The internet isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.
variant: The Web isn't better then sex, but sliced bread is in
Internet vampire: Someone who emerges from his computer room at dawn
after a night online.
The Internet: All the piracy, none of the scurvy.
The internet: where women are men and 12 year old boys are FBI agents.
Intolerance will not be tolerated!
Inuendo: an Italian suppository.
Invent a wise saying and live forever!
Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac!
Iraqi Bingo: B-52 . . . F-16 . . . A-10 . . . F-18 . . . F-117 . . . B-2 . . .
Ironic isn't it, that God gave the tortoise a drag factor of 0.03.
Irony is when you buy a suit with two pair of pants,
and then burn a hole in the coat.
An IRS audit is like an autopsy without the benefit of dying.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
Is a Jamaican computer terminal a raster-farian?
Is it just me, or do other people get nervous going to a restaurant
that's celebrating 'the year of the dog'?
Is it me, or does Ross Perot look like a Ferengi?
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Is life trying to pass me by or run me over?
"Is that seat saved?" "No, but we're praying for it!"
Is the next Pope going to be called Pope George-Ringo II?
Is there an imaginary cure for hypochondria?
Is there life before death ?
Is this really happening?
Is your church approved by the BATF?
Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap
dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach
people a lesson in trust.
Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers
take economists seriously?
Israel's actions are often Suez-cidal.
issues: Grade-A psychobabble for what used to be called
"It adds nothing to my satisfaction to know that
another man has been disappointed." --A. Lincoln
"Depends on which man." --Mary Ann Martinsek Dimand
It ain't bestiality if the sheep loves you!
It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
It could be worse . . . <BOOOM> . . . it's worse.
It doesn't take all kinds, we just have all kinds
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always
It doesn't matter whether the glass is half full or half empty,
as long as there's still some in the bottle.
It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing! -Foucault
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
It is a good day to die. -Klingon Weather Channel
It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
It is a sad commentary on today's society that this cookie has to be
classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the
It is better to burn out than fade away.
variant: It's better to burn out than simply fade away.
It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
It is better to never have tried anything than to have tried something and
It is by logic that we prove, but by intuition that we discover . . .
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than
It is easier to write an incorrect program than to understand a
It is Fortune, not wisdom that rules man's life.
It is hard to fly with the eagles
when you work with the turkeys.
It is human to stand with the crowd. It is divine to stand alone.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof
because fools are so ingenious.
It is never wise to let a piece of electronic equipment know that you are
in a hurry.
It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
It is not gods who have been worshipped from time immemorial, but power.
It is predictable, but I wouldn't like to predict it myself.
It is simple to make something complex, and complex to make it simple.
It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.
It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods to
It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is to serve as a
warning to others.
It said, "Insert disk #3", but only two will fit!
It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
It takes a pair of hands to build a bomb.
It takes a government to build a concentration camp.
It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
It takes both rain and sunshine to make a Rainbow.
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
It was not called the Net of a Million Lies for nothing. -Vernor Vinge
Really? How much did they charge?
It was only after their population of fifty mysteriously shrank
to eight, that the other seven dwarfs began to suspect Hungry.
It was so cold yesterday I saw a lawyer with his hands in his
It works better if you plug it in.
It's a dirty job, but somebody else has gotta do it!
It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins.
It's a field upgrade, HAL. We're making you IBM PC compatible.
It's a good idea to keep your words soft and sweet to the taste.
You may have to eat them.
It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
It's a JOKE, like the funny kind but different.
It's a particle! No, it's a wave! No, it's a dessert topping!
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
It's a three-dwarf day. I'm Dopey, Sleepy, and Grumpy.
It's all a pigment of your hallucination.
It's all coming together -- like two Amtrak trains.
It's always darkest just before you step on the cat!
It's always easy to tell your station in life. Sooner or later, someone
tells you where to get off.
It's as bad as you think, and they are out to get you.
It's beautiful the way it is; why spoil it by making it legal?
It's been a Klingon afternoon. -Odo
It's been Monday all week.
It's been swell, but the swelling's gone down.
It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.
It's better to copulate than never!
It's better to have a gun and not need it than to need a
gun and not have it.
It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.
It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
It's important that people know what you stand for.
It's more important that they know what you won't stand for.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going
in the wrong direction.
It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name.
It's nice to be wanted . . . but it's not nice to be had.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
It's not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are such fools.
It's not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents,
it's how he found out.
It's okay to kiss a nun, but don't get into the habit.
It's only a programming language, not a cure for cancer.
It's only fun if you can get in trouble for doing it.
It's only funny until someone falls . . . then it's hilarious.
It's only premarital sex if you're going to get married.
It's poetry, fool. you don't grammar flame poetry.
It's smart to pick your friends -- but not to pieces.
It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
It's ten o'clock -- do your children know where you are?
It's time to light the candles!
It's time to say the rites!
It's time to summon Satan on the Muppet Show tonight! . . .
It's you and me against the world. When do we attack?
It's YOUR god.
They're YOUR rules.
YOU burn in hell!
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, but Jill prefers the candlestick.
Janet Reno [United States Attorney General from 1993 to 2001 in the
administration of Bill Clinton] wants to protect us from violent television
shows. She can start by promising no more Wacos to broadcast.
Japanese say Americans are lazy. HAH! At least we cook our fish!
Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
Jean-Luc Picard and Mister Clean: Separated at birth?
Jesse Helms' ulitmate nightmare: gay tobacco farmers
(J+E+S+U+S) * 9 = 666 (A=1, B=2, etc.) Try it and see!
Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!
Jesus died to take away your sins, not your mind.
Jesus is coming. . . and we'll get him again.
Jesus is not my friend. I have real friends.
Jesus loves you, but Cthulhu thinks you need A-1 sauce.
Jesus loves you. But then again, so does Barney.
Jesus Loves You. I Don't. Get Out Of My Way.
Jesus said to John "Come forth I'll give you eternal life."
John came fifth; he won a toaster.
Jesus saves! The rest of us better make backups.
Jesus Saves. Immanuel Kant.
Jesus Saves. Johnson scores on the rebound.
Jesus Saves. Vishnu invests.
Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
Joan of Arc: the patron saint of welders.
Job Placement: telling your boss what he can do with your job.
Joseph Stalin's grave was a Communist plot.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan
belt and a leaky tire.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
judgment, bad: "Bad judgment" has replaced "bad
behavior." Now, when caught red-handed, people (especially
celebrities and public officials) confess only to exercising "bad judgment"
rather than doing something wrong. (Often accompanied by the passive
construction, "mistakes were made:")
Judo (n.): The stuff you make bagels out of.
Jury (n.): Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Just be yourself. No one else wants the job.
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition
doesn't mean he knows what it is.
Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way.
Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve
people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
Just say no to negativity.
Just something to remember when you're kissing your significant other: you
are sucking on a forty foot long tube the other end of which is full
Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse.
Keep a green tree in your heart, and one day the singing bird will come.
Keep America Beautiful . . . emigrate.
Keep grandmothers off the streets -- legalize bingo.
Keep it short for pithy sake.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Keep things the way they are . . . vote for the sado-masochist party!
Keep your eye on the ball,
Your shoulder to the wheel,
Your nose to the grindstone,
Your feet on the ground,
Your head on your shoulders.
Now . . . try to get something done!
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back
seat cause kids.
Killing turkeys causes winter.
Kindness is the oil that takes the friction out of life.
A king's castle is his home.
Kinky: What I do. Perverted: What you do that I won't.
Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
Kite fliers keep it up longer.
Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
Klingon DOS: That command or file name has no *honor*!
Klingon Prime Directive: Shoot it.
Klingons In Black, protecting the scum of the universe from Starfleet!
Know thyself. If you need help, call the CIA.
Know your limits, but never accept them.
Knowing others is wisdom, knowing yourself is Enlightenment.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.
Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.
Kokoro wa hanatan koto wo yosu
(Always be prepared to let go of your thoughts.)
KPLA Klingon Radio : All glory, all the time!
kvetch (v., Yiddish): to gripe or fret; noun: a chronic complainer,
a whiner. Psychologists say that though kvetches enjoy the
attention they get from complaining, kvetching is ultimately self-defeating
because the negative emotions it generates leave them fatigued and
lethargic, and may even cause stomach problems.
Kzin Zen Master: "What is the sound of one paw slashing?"
The label NEW and/or IMPROVED means the price went up.
Lake Erie died for your sins.
LAPD motto: Let's leave early and beat the crowd.
LAPD motto: We treat you like a King
Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought
'Where the hell is the ceiling?'
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's on the list.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
The last time someone listened to a Bush,
a bunch of people wandered in the desert for 40 years.
The last word in lonesome is 'me'.
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
A laugh is a smile that bursts.
Laugh now . . . one day we'll be in charge.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.
Law expands in proportion to the resources available for its enforcement.
Law of Probability Dispersal:
Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Laws are like bones; they're made to be broken.
Lawyer: a cat who settles disputes between mice.
Lawyers do it in their briefs.
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
Learn from your parents' mistakes -- use birth control!
Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
Learning is not compulsory, but neither is survival.
The legislature will never succeed in raising the age of puberty to 18.
The length of a progress report is inversely proportional to the amount of
The less time planning, the more time programming.
Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let him who is stoned cast the first sin.
Let us live!
Let us love!
Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!
Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
Let's put the "fun" back in dysfunctional!
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin'
it back in.
Lewis, Richard (1947-),aka The Prince of Pain and Everyneuroticman,lhe
quintessential neurotic actor/comedian. A self-described "bad-postured,
guilt-ridden ball of confusion with a trace of paranoia, self-loathing,
and a little faith thrown in for some taste," he is probably best known
for self-lacerating standup routines based on his dysfunctional childhood,
ineptitude at sex, and failure in relationships. He originated the
phrase "the BLANK from Hell" (Bartlett's take note),
perhaps because he's been victimized by practically everything and everyone
on the planet ("the mother from Hell," "the date from
Hell," "the vacation from Hell").
A liberal is a person whose inerests aren't at stake, at the moment.
A liberal is a person with both feet planted in the air.
A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist and too
rich to be a communist.
Liberal: A person who wants to be a philanthropist with your money.
Liberals don't care what other people do, as long as it's compulsory.
Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
Liberty is the one thing you can't have unless you give it to others.
A lie is a poor substitute for the truth,
but it is the only one discovered so far.
lie: A deliberate falsehood.
Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.
life coach: One who helps others make important decisions, sort of a
personal trainer of the psyche. Not surprisingly, an occupation
invented in California.
Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
Life is a metaphor.
variant: Life is like an analogy.
Life is a quality, not a quantity.
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
Life is all how you look at it.
A flea is delighted to learn that its children are going to the dogs.
Life is anything that dies when you stomp it.
Life is full of little surprises, and you're one of them.
Life is like a box of chocolates. There are too many nuts.
Life is like a diaper -- short and loaded.
Life is like a pubic hair . . . twisted, kinky, and short!!
Life is like a roll of toilet paper -- the closer you get to the end, the
faster it goes!
Life is like a shit sandwich.
The more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat.
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer,
then you find there is nothing in it.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
Life is the whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
Life is too important to be taken seriously.
Life is wonderful. Without it you'd be dead.
Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
Life sucks; and the IRS swallows.
Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.
A life without love in it is like a heap of ashes upon a deserted hearth -
with the fire dead, the laughter stilled, and the light extinguished.
Life would be so much easier if we had access to the source code.
Life's a bitch, then you die.
Life's a virgin; a bitch is too easy.
Life. It's a beautiful thing. You should get one sometime.
The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
Limericks are art forms complex
Their topics run chiefly to sex.
They usually have virgins
And masculine urgin's
And other erotic effects.
Line noise provided compliments of GTE!
A linguist thought it a farce
That memory space was so sparse.
One day they increased it.
Said he as he seized it:
"At last! Enough core for the parse."
Linux: The Choice of a GNU Generation
LISP hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) . . .
Listen to the sermon before eating the missionary.
litigation: Legal proceedings to enforce a right. The United States
is a particularly litigious nation because of, first, the prevailing
ethos that blame can and should be placed anywhere but on the party
responsible, and second, the inordinate number of lawyers, which a
former Chief Justice of the United States famously characterized as
hordes of hungry locusts.
A little knowledge is dangerous, and boy, am I dangerous!
Little things are worth fighting over if you are a little person.
Live a good, honorable life . . . Then when you get older and
think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Live Faust, Die Jung, Leave it to Beaver.
Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
Live so that your friends can defend you but never have to.
Lives there a man with soul so dead
Who never to himself hath said,
"Fuck this shit, I'm going to bed!"
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip
around the sun.
Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been
Living: The best demonstration of victory over mortality.
Lobotomy: The condition of having short legs.
locationship: A brief, superficial relationship based on proximity,
according. to Alexandra Pelosi in her documentary, Journeys with
George, in which locationships blossom between press corps members
assigned to the 2000 Bush Presidential campaign. The locationship seems
to be predicated on the adage that 'if you can't be with the one you
love, love the one you're with.'
Locked coathanger in the car. Good thing I had a key.
Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.
Logic is the chastity belt of the mind!
Logjam: Some kind of high fiber jelly.
Loneliness begins when the spaces are filled. -The Tao of Pooh
Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.
Lonely men seek companionship.
Lonely women sit at home and wait.
They never meet.
loner (n.): A solitary person judged odd by nearly everyone else, even
though most of the great achievements in music, art, literature,
philosophy, and science result from quiet contemplation by solitary
The longer the tooth, the shorter the memory.
Married men live longer than single men do, but
married men are a lot more willing to die. . .
Look alive. Here comes a buzzard!
Looking to God for answers is premature.
Lord, Please grant me the serentiy to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the
bodies of those I had to kill because they really pissed me off!
Lord, protect me from those to whom You speak directly.
Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying 'BOOGA, BOOGA!'
Lost causes are the only ones worth fighting for.
Lost interest? It's so bad I've even lost apathy!
A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much technological rococo.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love America -- or give it back.
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
Love conquers all except poverty and toothaches.
Love doesn't make the world go round, it just makes the ride worthwhile.
Love goes nowhere uninvited.
Love is as much about loss & pain as joy & gain.
Love is blind but like is just too freaked out to see straight.
Love is blind but when you get married you get your eyesight back.
Love is blind to everything except fat.
Love is grand. Divorce is twenty grand.
Love is in the offing, said the homicidal maniac.
Love is like manure, it is no good unless you spread it around.
Love is sentimental measles.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Love is the weak man's strength and the strong man's weakness.
Love is where a woman never gets what she's expecting,
and a man never expects what he's getting.
Love like you've never been hurt and dance like nobody's watching.
Love makes the world go 'round, but kinky sex gives it its 23 degree tilt.
Love may make the world go 'round, but inertia keeps it from stopping.
Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose thy neighborhood.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first!
Love your enemies just in case your friends turn out to be
a bunch of bastards.
Love: the quest. Marriage: the conquest. Divorce: the inquest.
Love: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
Lovers celebrate Valentines day.
What day do lonely men celebrate? Palm Sunday!
Lovesickness is like seasickness:
You think you're dying, everyone else thinks it's hilarious.
LSD melts your mind, not in your hand.
LSD: virtual reality without the expensive hardware.
Lt. Uhura says: "Subspace Communications -
It's the next best thing to beaming there!"
Luck is my middle name. Mind you, my first name is Bad.
The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
Lucky is he for whom the belle toils.
Luke . . . Luke . . . Use the MOUSE, Luke -Obi Wan Gates
Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.
LUPUS PILAM MUTAT NON MENTEM
[The wolf changes his coat, not his character]
Luxury is a necessity that begins where necessity ends.
Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Möbius strippers never show you their back side.
Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
Macintosh: PC with training wheels you can't remove.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.
Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed . . .
Majority: that quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
Make a wish and then make it come true.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Make it right before you make it faster.
Make like your personality and split!
Make love not war 'cause even a lousy blow-job is better than
Make love not war; get married and do both!
Make love to a democrat. Hug a tree!
Make money the Old Fashioned Way. PRINT IT.
Make my words a crime, I will cry out louder.
Silence my voice, I will find another.
Make my voice a crime, I will create a new one.
Hunt me down, I will find a new place to hide.
Lock me away, Ten will rise to take my place.
You cannot silence me, You cannot stop me,
I and my kind are forever.
Make sure comments and code agree.
Make sure your code "does nothing" gracefully.
Make the most of the best and the least of the worst.
Make WAR, not SEX, it's safer!
Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
Malpractice makes malperfect.
Mamas, don't let you babies grow up to be Redshirts.
A man begins cutting his wisdom teeth the first time he bites off
more than he can chew.
Man does not live by bread alone -- he needs peanut butter.
A man forgives only when he is in the wrong.
Man invented booze.
God invented grass.
In whom do you trust?
A man is as old as he feels. But never as important.
A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
A man of convictions, none of them pending.
A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.
The man who can smile when things go wrong
has thought of someone he can blame it on.
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor.
Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
A man who fishes for marlin in ponds will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
A man who is old enough to know better is always on the look out for a girl
Man who lay woman on ground have piece on earth.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who stands on toilet seat is high on pot.
A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
A man's best friend is his dogma.
A man's house is his hassle.
Man: Considering my last relationship, I'd rather have the extra rib.
Maniac: An early computer built by nuts . . .
Manic-Depressive: Easy glum, easy glow.
Mankind has an incestuous relationship with mother earth.
Many a dumb blonde is in reality a smart brunette.
Many are called, few volunteer.
Many are cold, but few are frozen.
Many pages make a thick book.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Many receive advice, few profit from it.
Marching to a different kettle of fish.
Marie Montessori taut me too reed and rite.
The market for toupees is thinning.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and
Marriage is like sneezing: even when you feel it coming on,
you can't stop.
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
Marriage is the only union that can't be organized.
Both sides think they're management.
Marriage isn't a word, its a sentence.
Marriage: A very expensive way to get your laundry done.
Marriage? Sorry, I can't mate in captivity.
Marriage? Well, so far it's been the longest date I've ever been on!
Marriages are made in heaven. So are thunder & lightning.
Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.
The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort!
Martyrdom -- it's just a stone's throw away!
The marvels of today's technology include the development of a soda can
which, when discarded, will last forever, and an $8000 car which,
when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years.
Mary had a little lamb,
She tied it to a pylon;
5000 volts shot up its butt,
And turned its fleece to nylon.
Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy!
MATER ARTIUM NECESSITAS
[Necessity is the mother of invention]
Mathematicians do it with imaginary parts.
Logicians have to prove they can do it.
Matrimony is the process by which the grocer acquires an account
the florist had.
Matter cannot be created or destroyed,
nor can it be returned without a receipt.
May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home
singing cheezy lounge-lizard versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.
May a misguided platypus lay its eggs in your Jockey Shorts.
May all your hang-ups be drip-dry.
May all your PUSHes be POPed.
May all your sails be dry and your blades slick with blood.
May the saddest days of your future be better
than the happiest days of your past.
May the wind behind you always be your own.
May the wolf of poverty not have pups on your doorstep.
May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
May you spend the rest of your life in the future.
May your fondest wish be granted. -Traditional Chinese curse
May your only son be the goalie on a nudist hockey team.
Maybe love hasn't changed much throughout history, but can you imagine
Heloise and Abelard sitting around rubbing suntan oil on each other?
"Maytag" is my middle name; I'm an agitator.
Meandering to a different drummer.
Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
Meddle not with dragons, for thou art crunchy and good with ketchup.
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
Meditation is not what you think.
The meek are contesting the will.
The meek are getting ready.
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they're too weak to refuse.
The meek shall inherit the Earth after we're done with it.
Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
Member of the Mile Wide Club
Men and nations will act rationally
when all other possibilities have been exhausted.
Men are like mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Men give love to get sex, women give sex to get love.
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing,
they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
Men have many faults,
Women only two:
Everything they say,
And everything they do!
Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay
A Metaphor is like a Simile.
Meteorologists have warm fronts.
Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
Microsecond (n.): Amount of time needed for a program to bomb.
Microsoft -- making it all make MONEY!
Microsoft likes the Pentium so much they use it to schedule Windows '95.
The Microsoft Motto: "We're the leaders, wait for us!".
Microsoft Windows . . . a virus with mouse support.
Space doesn't work, they're still having trouble with time, and existence
has been released but is bug-ridden and unreliable.
Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."
Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro . . .
Microwaves frizz your heir.
Midas was into golden showers.
Middle age is when you're old enough to know better but young enough to
look forward to it.
Middle Age: Halfway between adolescence and obsolescence!
The mighty oak was once a little nut that stood its ground.
Military Intelligence: A highly refined organization of overwhelming
generalities based on vague assumptions and debatable figures drawn from
undisclosed activities pursued by persons of dirverse motivation, doubtful
reliability, and questionable mentality in the midst of unimaginable
Mind like a . . . sieve? Nah, that wasn't it.
A mind that is streched can never return to its original capacity.
Mindless cretins can accomplish feats undreamt of by greater men.
Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
MINUTUS CANTORUM MINUTUS BALORUM MINUTUS CARBORATA DESCENDUM PANTORUM
[A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.]
Misanthropology: The study of why so many people are so stupid, and
why most of them should die, SOON!
A miser is hard to live with, but makes an excellent ancestor.
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
Misfortune is the kind of fortune that never misses.
The Miss America pageant should. . .
( ) Keep the swimsuit competition
( ) Drop the swimsuit competition
(*) Drop the swimsuits and have a nude competition!
Misspelled? Impossible. My RAM is error correcting.
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
Mom said I'd have days like this -- but THIS MANY??
Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
Monday is the root of all evil.
Money does talk -- it says goodbye.
Money can't buy everything. That's what credit cards are for.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Money doesn't buy love, but it puts you in a great bargaining position.
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
Money is the root of all evil. For more info, send $39.95.
Money is the root of all wealth.
Money isn't everything. It isn't even enough!
Money won't buy happiness, but it's a great downpayment.
The monkey on my back, carries a chip on his shoulder.
Monotheism is a gift from the gods.
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
Morality is doing what is right, no matter what you're told.
Religion is doing what you're told, no matter what is right.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
The more hair you lose, the more head you get.
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!".
More people have died in Teddy Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
The more resplendent the brilliancy, the more glaring the fault.
The more they're in a fog, the more people toot their horns.
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is
The more you cultivate people the more you turn up clods.
The more you live, the less you die.
The more you run over a dead cat the flatter it gets.
Morfy's law: Enythink thit ken go rong willl.
The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
people to approach printed matter with distrust.
The most important things in life are me!
Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
Most people deserve each other. -Shirley's Law
Mother Earth is not flat!
Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
Mount St Helens should have used earth control.
Mountain climbers rope themselves together to prevent the sensible
ones from going home.
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
The moving cursor prints, and having printed, blinks on.
Mr Data, what precisely did you mean by "Oh boy"?
Mr Spock wears vulcanized rubbers.
Mr Worf, fire at will. *>BZZZT<* Hey, where'd Riker go?
Mr Worf, it seems Alexander shows a fondness for Spandex.
"Mr Worf, scan that ship." "Aye, Captain . . . 300 DPI?"
Mrs Ghandi is in a sari state.
Mulder and Scully in '96 -- Trust No One But Them!!!
Multitasking: Reading in the bathroom.
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once . . .
*Munchkins* cast Control Cthulhu
Murder is a crime, but depicting it is not.
Sex is not a crime, but depicting it is.
Murphy's Discovery: Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men
talk to women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and
everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine months
later, you're in trouble!
Murphy's Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it.
Murphy's Observation on Business: The toughest thing in business is minding
My aptitude test says, "Best suited for Organ Donor."
'My arm!', said Captain Hook offhandedly.
My body is a temple . . .
You have to take your shoes off before entering.
My boss is tempermental. 50% temper and 50% mental.
My cat dislikes the term "pet". It prefers "friend and confidante".
My company hasn't agreed with my opinions so far; I doubt they'll
My components are indiscreet.
My computer isn't that nervous . . . it's just a bit ANSI.
My computer's sick. I think my modem is a carrier.
My consciousness has already been raised so high,
only bats and dolphins can hear it.
My cow just died . . . I don't need any of your bull.
My doctor told me I was paranoid.
Well he didn't actually *say* that, but I could tell he was thinking it.
My foot's asleep. I wonder what it's dreaming about?
My god carries a hammer. Your god died nailed to a tree. Any questions?
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
My idea of roughing it is when room service is late.
My inner child is a mean little fucker.
My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of
my life there.
My last original thought died of loneliness.
My lawyer is so bad, if I ever have to plead insanity, he'll be Exhibit A.
My love is so great that a thousand men could not keep me from
My mail reader can beat up your mail reader.
My memory isn't quite what it used to be . . . or is it?
My mind works like lightning -- one brilliant flash and it's gone.
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
My name is Bond . . . Covalent Bond.
variant:: The name is Baud . . . James Baud.
My name is G'Kar. You killed my planet. Prepare to die!
My next big break will probably be a hip.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My other computer looks just like Brent Spiner.
My psychic advisor just keeps laughing.
My reality check just bounced.
My search engine is making a funny noise.
My ship just came in. It was the Kobyashi Maru.
My son must get his brains from his mother -- I still have mine.
My spell checker and I don't agree at all!
My ultimate aim is to be able to swear in every language
spoken on the planet.
My wife is the only person who can watch a cartoon and
ask "How'd they do that?"
My wild oats have turned to mush.
National Healthcare: medicine with postal efficiency & IRS compassion.
The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
Support your right to bare arms.
Nature is a hanging judge.
Nature speaks; humans have forgotten how to listen.
Neuroses are red,
What are you?
Neurotics build castles in the air.
Psychotics live in them,
Psychiatrists charge them rent.
Neutrinos are into physicists.
Neutrinos have bad breadth.
Never apply a Star Trek solution to a Babylon 5 problem.
Never argue with a fool -- people might not know the difference.
variant: Never argue with a fool. He may be doing the same thing.
Never argue with an idiot.
They will drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
Never assume anything except a 4-1/2 percent mortgage.
Never believe a dog who tells you that his relationship with your leg is
Never brood -- something might hatch.
Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
Never criticise a farmer with your mouth full.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never drink Coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to
change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually
fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators
Never eat children -- you don't know where they've been.
Never frown, because you never know when someone is
falling in love with your smile.
Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.
Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
Never leave anything to chance;
make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
Never lie when the truth can deceive better.
Never Never Land: Kamikaze pilot's Rule #1
Never offend a bard. Fighters can only kill you once.
Bards slander you forever.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn!
Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
than "Watch this!"
Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Never say, "Oops!"; always say, "Ah, interesting!"
Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Never trust a prescription that has only one pill in it.
Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.
Never trust modern technology. Trust it only when it is old technology.
Never try to pluck a live chicken.
Never underestimate the power of ignorance.
Never use a big word when a diminutive one will do.
Never violate the Prime Directory! C:\
Never work higher magic in clothes you can't run in.
Never worry about the bullet with your name on it.
Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to 'occupant.'
-Murphy's Tenth Military Law
Never, ever, pinch a sorceress on the butt. <ribbit>
Never, ever, use repetitive redundancies.
Never, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
A new koan:
If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
It is an ice cream koan.
New systems create new problems.
NEWSFLASH: Drunk gets nine months in violin case.
NEWSFLASH: Enraged cow injures farmer with ax.
NEWSFLASH: Microsoft announces Visual Edlin for Windows.
NEWSFLASH: Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over.
NEWSFLASH: Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers.
NEWSFLASH: Stolen painting found by tree.
NEWSFLASH: Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents
Next time you wave at me, use more than one finger!
Next time, give the gift that keeps on giving: a female kitten.
Nice computers don't go down.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
The nice thing about free speech is that I don't have to listen.
Nietzsche is pietzsche, but Sartre is smartre.
variant: Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
Nine times out of ten, the man who listens to reason is thinking of
some way to refute it.
Nixon saw Deep Throat ten times,
but he still hasn't gotten it down Pat!
No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
No Assembly Required -- We Compiled It In C.
**NO CARRIER** -- A Naval Aviator's worst nightmare!
!$#@!%#@!#@! NO CARRIER! Now, where do we land?
No guts, no glory, no brain, same story.
No keyboards, hard drives, CD roms, mice or other computer peripherals were
harmed while writing this message, although the monitor is a little nervous
because everyone seems to be staring at him.
No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
"No man is an island" is the beginning of the end of
No man stands so tall as he does when he catches himself in his zipper.
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe
while the legislature is in session.
No matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
No matter how much you know, you'll never know enough.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
No matter how thinly you slice it, it's still baloney.
No matter what other nations may say about the United States,
immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
No matter what they're telling you, it's not the whole truth.
No one ever said, "If I'd only spent more time in the office . . ."
No one rules if no one obeys. -<TaoDo>
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work, anyway.
No son, Taco Bell is not a Mexican telephone company.
No, I don't need any cheese to go along with my whine. :-)
No, I'm not an elitist. Why do you ask, peasant?
No, I'm not fucking stupid, but I used to!
No, just another minute on the modem, and THEN you can call 911!
No, why? Have you ever snorted laser toner?
Noam Chomsky is an anti-semantic.
The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.
Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect.
Nobody's a virgin . . . life screws us all.
Nobody's perfect, but I'm not nobody.
Nondeterminism means never having to say you're wrong.
None of the ideas expressed above are acutally mine. They are told to me
by Luthor and Ferdinand, the five inch tall space aliens who live under my
desk. In return for these ideas, I have given them persmision to eat any
dust bunnies they may find under there.
Normal? Normal is a setting on my DRYER!
Nostalgia Buff: One who finds the past perfect and present tense.
Nostalgia is living life in the past lane.
Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory . . .
"Not a morning person" doesn't even begin to cover it.
Not all men are fools. Some are bachelors.
Not all women are annoying. Some are dead.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper
is from the wrong kind of tree.
Not tonight, dear. I have a modem.
Note to mothers: when diapering your babies, don't do anything rash.
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
Nothing is as simple as it seems at first
Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle
Or as finished as it seems in the end.
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
Nothing makes a politician forget campaign promises faster
than being elected.
Notice how it's only people who are already born who are for abortion?
variant: All the supporters of abortion are people who are
Now available: Kinsey 7.0 Competitive Upgrade
Now I lay me back to sleep. The speaker's dull; the subject's deep.
If he should stop before I wake, give me a nudge for goodness' sake.
Now is the Windows of our disk contents made glorious SimEarth by this
Sun of Zork. --Richard v3.0
Now that the deadline's past, can I have the spec please?
Nudists are people who wear one-button shirts.
Nuke the Unborn Gay Whales for Christ!
The number of people watching you is directly proportional
to the stupidity of your action.
$636.95 -- Number of the Beast at Sam's Club.
The number of theories that can explain any given phenomenon is infinite.
# of Vulcans needed to replace a bulb? Precisely 1.000000
Nurse! I said: "SLIP off his SPECtacles!"
Nurse, bring me that really large anesthetic mallet.
Nurse, what do I do with this rectal thermometer?
O give me a home,
Where the buffalo roam,
Where the deer and the antelope play,
Where seldom is heard
A discouraging word,
'Cause what can an antelope say?
Obesity is really widespread.
Obi Wan Kenobi at the dinner table: Use the forks, Luke.
Obituaries are the last writes.
Objection, your Honor! My client is an idiot!
Objects in your download packet may appear larger than they are.
Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
Odo, is there any more jello in the fridge? Odo? Odo!?
ODOSCAN.EXE: keeps the Quarks off of your hard drive.
Oedipus come home, all is forgiven. -Mother
Of course there's a God. What else explains leather miniskirts?
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
Of all the people I've met, you are certainly one.
Of all the things you've lost you should miss your mind the most.
Of course I'm out of my mind, it's dark and scary in there!
Of course leather is waterproof; have you ever see a cow with an umbrella?
Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix.
Everyone knows power tools aren't soluble in alcohol.
Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
Of course too much is bad for you, that's what makes it TOO MUCH!
Of course I'm on topic (Which echo is this?)
Official generic .sig: Under 4 lines, under 80 columns, no Amiga checks,
no witty quotes, no maps of Australia, no asterisks, no ASCII art, no
disclaimers or anti-flame requests, and one spelling errer.
The Official State Vegetable is now the "state legislator".
Often it is fatal to live too long.
Often the cats who need the most affection are the ones that are the most
difficult to love and scratch you when you're trying to pet them.
"Oh Bother!" said Pooh, and he formatted his hard disk.
Oh dear. I think reality is on the blink again.
Oh no! Not another "undocumented feature"!
Oh no! The creationists are mutating!
Oh you never would believe where these little cookies come from . . .
Oh! So that's what an invisible barrier looks like.
Oh, No! Not another learning experience!
Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
oink, FLAP! oink, FLAP! oink, FLAP! oink, FLAP!
OK, I'm weird! But I'm saving up to become eccentric
Okay, and which one is the fatherboard.
Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
variant: Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
The Oklahoma City bombing was Clinton's Reichstag fire.
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old age is fifteen years older than I am.
Old bakers never die, they just quit making dough.
Old bakers never die, you just can't get a rise out of them.
Old C programmers never die. They're just cast into a void.
Old doughnut makers never die, they just get tired of the whole business.
Old engineers never die. They just have slower rise times.
Old florists don't die, they make other arrangements.
Old frogs never die, but they do croak!
Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.
Old Hobbits die hard. -Tolkien
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
The old man was walking on the beach, where many starfish had washed
ashore. He saw a little boy on the shoreline, throwing them back into
the ocean. The boy said 'They'll die if I don't get them back into the
water.' The man said 'Son, there are hundreds of starfish ashore.
It's not going to make a difference.' The boy picked up a starfish and
threw it into the water. He turned to the man and said, 'It made a
difference to that starfish.'
Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
Old postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
Old Scottish prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be right,
for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
Old Testament, New Testament . . . even God keeps two sets
Old truck drivers never die, they just get a new Peterbuilt.
The older I get the better I used to be.
OLDER THAN DIRT. and I smell that way too.
On a clear day I can see for 20 miles.
On a clear night I can see for 20 trillion miles.
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
On all lasergrams: Don't forget the Zap code.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
On the wall of the women's restroom on the Enterprise:
"Where no man has gone before"
Once something is messed up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion.
Once you pull the pin, Mr Grenade is not your friend!
Once you understand how to write a program get someone else to write it.
One advantage of getting older is there are more younger women all
One cannot make an omelet without breaking some eggs -
but it is amazing how many eggs one can break without making an omelet.
One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet when
One genotype -- one vote.
One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that
they never have to stop and answer the phone.
One man's lover is another man's wife.
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
One must think heroically to act like a merely decent human being.
One of us is thinking about sex . . . OK, it's me.
One picture is worth a thousand words. See diagram below.
One planet is all you get.
One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
One standard to rule them all
One standard to find them
One standard to bring them all
And in the darkness bind them
In the land of Microsoft
Where shadows lie
One way to prevent progress is by arguing that any first step will be
unfair to somebody.
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
The one who says it cannot be done
should never interrupt the one who is doing it.
Oneliners are almost as bad as bumper stickers.
Only cream and bastards rise to the top.
Only dead fish go with the flow.
The only difference between a conservative and a liberal is which rights
they want to deprive us of.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
The only difference between an unclear war and a nuclear war
is the way you use the UN.
The only dope worth shooting is Nixon.
The only game that can't be fixed is peek-a-boo.
The only good thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others.
The only government handout I want is the government's hand out of
Only one more shopping day till tomorrow.
The only people who have anything to fear from free software are those
whose products are worth even less.
The only person to invite you on a round-the-world trip would be the
Flat Earth Society.
The only race worth winning is the human race.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes
Only the good die young. Note the average age in Congress.
The only thing that hurts worse than paying an income tax
is not having to pay an income tax.
The only thing that separates us from the animals is our
ability to accessorize.
The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.
The only thing X-rated movies leave to the imagination is the plot.
The only time to be positive is when you're positive you are wrong.
The only time you have a heart is when you're playing cards.
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
The only winner of the war of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
Only you can prevent narcissism.
"Ooops", said God, "I meant a BUD light . . ."
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
The opera ain't over 'till the fat lady sings.
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Opportunity only knocks, while temptation kicks the door in.
Optimism without reality is bullshit.
Optimism: Waiting for your ship to come in when you haven't sent one out.
An optimist goes to the window every morning and says
"Good Morning, God".
A pessimist goes to the window and says
"Good God! Morning"
Optimist: Yugo owner with a trailer hitch.
Optimization hinders evolution.
The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the
fundamental solvency of the firm.
Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
Oregano (Ore-gah-no): the ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
Orwell to Publisher: "Ninety-four! Ninety-four you idiot!"
The other day upon the stair,
I saw a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today.
I think he's with the CIA.
Other people's patterns of expenditure and consumption are irrational
and slightly immoral.
An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
An ounce of vanity can ruin a ton of merit.
Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things
Our sorrow in your passing is only surpassed by our joy in your living.
Ours is a world where people don't know what they want
and are willing to go through hell to get it.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Out of the mouths of babies oft times comes OATMEAL!
Out to lunch -- If not back by 5pm, out to dinner too.
Outnumbered, yes. Outmaneuvered, maybe. Outclassed, never!
A pacifist who calls the police isn't one; hired violence is
Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.
Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.
Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world really isn't out to get you.
variants: Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't
out to get you.
Remember, the fact that you're paranoid doesn't mean they're
not out to get you!
Paranoia is simply heightened awareness.
variant: Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness.
A paranoid is a guy who just figured out what's going on.
Paraplegics of the world -- Stand up for your rights!
Parents remember everything, whether it happened or not.
PARODY ERROR: Cannot locate file WEIRD_AL.EXE
Part-time musicians are semiconductors.
Passionate kissing, like a spider's web, leads to the undoing of the fly.
Passwords are like underwear.
You shouldn't leave them out where people can see them.
You should change them regularly.
And you shouldn't loan them out to strangers.
The past does not repeat itself, but it rhymes.
The past is not what it will be.
The past should be a mental springboard, not a hammock.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters away from a kick in the pants.
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
Pay no attention to the little man behind the keyboard.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Peace is over rated. Any slave can have peace. Just pick the cotton.
Pedants don't c-h-a-n-g-e lightbulbs, they r-e-p-l-a-c-e them.
The pen is mightier than the sword but the sword is easier to clean.
The pen is mightier than the sword; and easier to write with.
A penny for your thoughts -- $20 to act them out.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
People are like tea bags;
put them in hot water and you'll know how strong they are.
People from Arizona have a good sense of Yuma.
People have one thing in common: they are all different.
People in glass houses are closer than they appear.
People in glass houses can have tomatoes all winter.
People in glass houses shouldn't leave paper lying around when the sun is
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
People that can't find something to live for always seem to find
something to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us
to die for it too.
People usually get what's coming to them . . . unless it's been mailed.
People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never
slept in a room with a single mosquito.
People who express contempt for cows because they have hooves rather
than feet are lack-toes intolerant.
People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.
People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them that
Benjamin Franklin said it first.
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
People will die this year that never died before.
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
The perfect guest is one who makes his host feel at home.
The perfect secretary is one who types fast and runs slow.
Perhaps it's a coincidence, but man's best friend can't talk.
A person can be poor at history, but great on dates.
A person who can't lead and won't follow makes a dandy roadblock.
The person who is all wrapped up in himself is overdressed.
A person with a clear conscience has a foggy memory.
A personal injustice is stronger motivation than any
instinct for philanthropy.
A pessimist is never disappointed.
Pessimist: A person who complains about the noise made
when opportunity knocks.
Pet Store: Buy one, get one flea.
PETA: People for the Eating of Tasty Animals . . .
A phaser is the universal communicator. -Worf
Philadelphia isn't dull -- it just seems so because it is
next to exciting Camden, NJ.
To learn from your mistakes, you must realize you are making mistakes.
Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -
which was a bit of a surprise, actually,
because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.
Philosophy: Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
A phone call costs less than you think. Soon it'll cost more
than you believe.
Phone rates: Pay an arm and a leg to use an ear and a mouth.
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
The picture of health requires a happy frame of mind.
"Pieces of nine! Pieces of nine!" . . . Another parroty error.
PKZIP OLDKITBAG.ZIP C:\TROUBLES\*.* :-) :-) :-).
Platitude: a dull old saw that everyone borrows but no one sharpens.
Platonic love: the air-plant in the garden of passion.
Played New Age music backwards -- got New Age Music!
Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
□ <--Please put complaints in this box.
Please return stewardess to original upright position
A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
Plumber's motto: A royal flush beats a full house every time.
variant: Plumbers Motto: A flush beats a full house.
The plural of spouse is spice.
A poet is somebody who falls in love with language.
Poker face: The face that launched a thousand chips.
Political correctness = the replacement of historical biasses in the
language by new ones that are more suitable for the speaker's purposes
Politicians have done very well . . . for themselves.
Politicians prefer unarmed peasants. Ask the Lithuanians.
Politics is not the oldest profession, but the results are the same.
Politics isn't too bad a profession. If you succeed, there are many
rewards. If you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.
PollyTheism: The belief that God is a Parrot.
Polymer physicists are into chains.
A poor person voting Republican is like a chicken voting
for Colonel Sanders.
Population explosion: when society takes levee of their census.
Poverty is the root of all evil.
Power corrupts, but we need the electricity.
Power Corrupts. Absolute power allows you to re-define corruption.
Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.
God is all powerful. Draw your own conclusions.
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of fun.
The power of imagination makes us infinite.
Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
Pray for the success of atheism.
Prayer in the schools? Algebra in the pulpits!
Precognition is essential to a database designer.
Predestination was doomed from the start.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Pretend to spank me. I'm a pseudo-masochist!
Preventing baldness is simple. Just knot your hair from the inside.
The price of being a sheep is boredom.
The price of being a wolf is loneliness.
Choose one or the other with great care.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Pro-life? Fine. GET one, and stay outta mine!
The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
stupidity of your action.
A problem can be found for almost every solution.
The problem with any unwritten law
is that you don't know where to go to erase it.
The problem with being a man of leisure is that you can't
stop and take a rest.
The problem with reality is the lack of background music.
The problem with taking the easy way out
is that the enemy has already mined it.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.
A procrastinator's work is never done.
Profanity: Esperanto for computerists.
Professionals are predictable -- amateurs are dangerous!
Program (v.): An act similar to beating your head against a wall.
Programmer (n.): A red-eyed mammal capable of conversing with
Programmers get overlaid.
Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.
Programming is a race between programmers trying to create bigger
and better idiot-proof programs and the universe trying to create
bigger and better idiots.
Programming is an art form that fights back.
Programming is like sex: One mistake and you support it for a lifetime.
A programming language that does not affect the way you think about
programming is not worth knowing.
Progress consists in replacing a theory that is obviously wrong
with one that is subtly wrong.
A proliferation of new laws creates a proliferation of new loopholes.
Prolonged contact with computers turns mathematicians into clerks
and vice versa.
Promiscuity, controlled substances, and anæpestic tempo.
Promises are like babies: fun to make but hell to deliver.
PROMOTE the general welfare . . . not PAY for it!!!
Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock
instead of the sword.
Pronoun (n.): A noun that lost its amateur status.
The proof of a system's value is its existence.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
Prosperity is when your conversation changes
from car pools to swimming pools.
Proximity isn't everything, but it comes close.
Prunes give you a run for your money.
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
your wife will give you for free.
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.
Check three friends. If they're ok, you're it.
Psychiatrists stay on your mind.
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents'
Puberty is a hair raising experience.
Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.
Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.
A Puritan is a person who is deathly afraid that
someone, somewhere is having fun.
Purranoia: the fear that your cats are up to Something!
Put knot yore trussed in spel chequers!
Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
Put on your seatbelt. I wanna try something.
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter
A pylon: a phrase a nympho might say at a nude frat party
The quality of your friends always matters more than the quantity.
Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me".
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
QuasiModem: the latest piggyback protocol.
Question Authority . . . while you still can.
Question authority and the authorities will question you.
Question authority. Don't ask why, just do it.
Queueing is the only English word with five consecutive vowels.
Quick, call a witch doctor! My witch is sick.
QUIDQUID LATINE DICTUM SIT ALTUM VIDITUR
[Anything in Latin sounds profound.]
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
Radical: a person whose left hand doesn't know what his
other left hand is doing.
RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
The rain it raineth on the just and also on the unjust fella,
but chiefly on the just, because the unjust steals the just's umbrella.
Raise ducks for quack profit.
Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
RAM disk is not an installation procedure!
Randomness, like chastity, is more often claimed than maintained.
The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
A real friend isn't someone you use once and throw away.
A real friend is someone you can use again and again.
The real monsters don't hide in the closet, they tuck you in at night.
variant: Some monsters don't live under the bed, they tuck
you in at night.
A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
that the system works.
Real programmers never die, they are simply cast into (void*)
Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
Real programs don't eat cache.
The real trick to carrying on is not getting carried away.
*REAL* programmers use COPY CON to create Windows apps.
A realist lets circumstances decide which end of the telescope
to look through.
Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.
Reality does not exist -- yet.
Reality failure. Press enter to continuum.
Reality is a crutch for those who can't work a holodeck.
Reality is for people who can't face science fiction.
Reality is often inaccurate.
Reality is what refuses to go away when I stop believing in it.
Reality meter: [\ . . . . . . .] Hmmm. Thought so.
Reality's the only obstacle to happiness.
Reality: a fantasy gone wrong, dreadfully wrong!!!
Reality? But there are dirty DISHES in Reality!
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
The reason computer chips are so small is that computers don't eat much.
The reason PETA [People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals] goes after
fur and not leather is because little old ladies are easier to harass than
The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where
all the bad girls live.
The reason the government thinks you're just a number
is because it's just a machine.
Recursive (adj.): see Recursive
Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is.
Redundancy: An airbag in a politician's car!
A reformer wants his conscience to be your guide.
The refrigerator light DOES go out. Now let me out of here!
Reincarnation is making a come-back!
Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Rejection: When your imaginary friends won't talk to you.
The religion that is afraid of science dishoners God and commits suicide.
A religious war is like children fighting
over who has the strongest imaginary friend.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Remember when sex was safe and skydiving was dangerous?
Remember when the "gay nineties" had a totally different meaning?
Remember where you parked your drive heads.
Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
Remember, it is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
Remember, the paper is always strongest at the perforations.
Remember: "i" before "e", except in Budweiser.
Republican Health Care Plan: Don't get sick.
A Republican mayor in Chicago? The voters would turn over in their graves.
Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm)
Resistence is, frankly, quite annoying. Stop it already!
Responsibility is a word that should always be used in the first person.
A retired dentist who loves to fish.
"Open wide," he mutters to the unseen fish
as he waits for a tug on the line.
"Now bite down. This may sting just a little bit."
Revolution: It's not just for leftists anymore.
Right theory, wrong universe
The road to Heaven is paved with bad intentions.
The road to Hell is paved with good intentions,
and littered with sloppy analysis!
The road to to success is always under construction.
The roar of the hotdogs, the smell of the crowd.
Robin Hood was a terrorist.
A rolling disk gathers no MOS.
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Romulan Bell: Make a run for the Neutral Zone!
The rooster may crow but the hen delivers.
Roses are #FF0000
Violets are #0000FF
All my base Are belong to you
Roses are red,
Bullets are lead,
you better love me,
or i'll shoot you in the head
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Dos is quite dead
Just use GNU!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
And so am I.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
you think this will rhyme,
but it ain't gonna.
The rosier the news, the higher the rank of the official who announces it.
Rubber bands have snappy endings!
Rubbing hair restorer into your scalp is a good way to insure
Rules of Engagement: FBI euphemism for the 'death warrant' needed when the
STANDARD use of force policy wont allow the execution of their 'subjects'.
Rush Limbaugh is too liberal!
" " -- Rush Limbaugh thinking.
rw-rw-rw- : The file protection of the Beast.
Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
Sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.
The saddest moment in a person's life comes but once.
Sadist: A person who gives a paralytic friend a self-winding wristwatch.
Sado-masochism means not having to say you're sorry.
Sado-necro-bestiality is beating a dead horse.
Safe sex used to mean making sure the car was in 'Park'.
Sales resistance: The triumph of mind over patter.
The same people that wrote the Bible thought the world was flat.
The San Andreas fault is the most stable thing in California.
Sandals were made by a man who felt that the shoe must go on.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Satan hasn't a single salaried helper; the Opposition employs millions.
Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
Satisfaction Guaranteed: We'll send you another copy if it fails.
Sauron Brothers' Circus -- One Ring to Rule Them All
Save our virgin forests -- buy a tree a chastity belt.
Save Soviet Jews! Collect them or trade them with your friends.
Save the Rainforest, Eat a vegetarian!
Save trees, eat more beavers.
Save your breath for your inflatable date.
Say it with flowers -- give her a triffid.
Scatology recapitulates philology.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography
School is a place of learning, not a corrections facility.
Science does not emerge from voting, party politics, or public debate.
Science fiction warps your mind. Engage warp factor 10.
Science flies you to the moon.
Religion flies you into buildings.
Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
Scoundrel for Hire -- No Brigandry too Small.
Screw me if I'm wrong, but have we met before?
Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
SDRAWKCAB spelled backwards is backwards.
The Second Amendment is the RESET button of the United States Constitution.
The second best policy is dishonesty.
The secret of a clean desk is a mammoth wastebasket.
The secret of patience is doing something else in the meantime.
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
Security is your responsibility.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
segmentation fault (california dumped)
SEMINARS: From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed
SEMPER IN EXCRETIO SOLUM PROFUNDUM VARIAT
[Always in the shit, only the depth varies]
A sense of entitlement is the root of all evil.
A sense of humour is the difference between ambition and achievement.
Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
Seppuku: unique Japanese way to let it all hang out.
SET DEVICE=EXXON to screw up your environment.
A seven day honeymoon makes one weak.
Sex is a disrobic experience
Sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
Sex is dirty. Save it for someone you love.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances
are you won't either.
Sex is like a roller-coaster: It's only fun if you scream.
Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Sex is like Euchre;
if you don't have a partner, you'd better have a good hand!
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Sex! Lies! Drugs! Money! Power! Corruption! God, I love Congress!
Shakespeare says: "Prose before hos."
She lets her body do her talking, and she's a brilliant conversationalist.
She offered her honor,
He honored her offer.
And all through the night,
It was honor and offer.
She was just an electrician's daughter, but she had
all the right connections.
She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.
She's so fat that when she sings, it's over.
Shell to DOS. Come in DOS, do you copy?
Shh! Be vewy quiet, I'm hunting Womulins!
Shift to the left, shift to the right, mask in, mask out,
BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
Short people get rained on last.
The shortest distance between two points is usually under construction.
Shotgun Wedding -- A case of "wife" or "death"!
Should crematoria give discounts for burn victims?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
Show me a good loser and I'll show you a loser.
Show me a man with his feet planted firmly on the ground
and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on.
Show me someone perfect, I'll show you someone crucified.
Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
A sick mind is not necessarily the sign of a clean desk.
(parody of "A clean desk is the sign of a sick mind.")
Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward:
"Please do not disturb further."
Silence cannot be misquoted.
Silver's law: If Murphy's law can go wrong it will.
The simplest explanation is that it just doesn't make sense.
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them
while they're alive.
Since when is talking a sign of thinking?
A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard.
-0.809016994 -- the sine of the beast.
A single fact can spoil a good argument.
Singlehandedly putting the Cult back in Culture!
Sisko: "Raise shields! . . . Brooke . . . Come in Brooke, over!?"
Sit for a portrait? Why, I'd be honored, Mr Pickman.
Skier (n.): Someone who pays an arm and a leg to break them.
Slang is language that takes off its coat,
spits on its hands, and goes to work.
Slavery: Not just a job, it's indenture!
Sleep (n.): A short period of time between BBS and work.
Sleep is for wimps. Happy, healthy, well rested wimps,
but wimps, nonetheless.
Small programs are for small minds.
SMARTDRV: What Tennessee drivers are incapable of.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
Smile -- things may get worse more slowly.
Smile! It makes people wonder what you've been up to.
Smile! The fresh air's good for your teeth.
Smile! Things can only get worse.
Smile! You're on Candid Cookie!
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Smoking -- think of it as evolution in action.
A sneeze is just a facial orgasm.
So a baby seal walks into a club . . .
So easy, a child can do it! Child sold separately . . .
So live that you wouldn't be ashamed
to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
So many Christians, so few Lions!
So the day wasn't a total loss, You made lots of scratch paper.
So who pissed on your Wheaties?
So, what would the Great Literary figures of Western Culture be doing, if
they worked in the computer industry?
Plato would be involved with research into virtual reality.
Confucius would spend most of his time writing protocols for communication
between child processes and their parents.
Homer would create "Trojan Horse" programs to break into
A social life? What board can I download that from?
A soft drink turneth away company.
Software upgrade installed: press your luck to continue.
Soldiers who wish to be a hero
Are practically zero,
But those who wish to be civilians,
They run into the millions.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name,
is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
The solstice is the reason for the season.
The solution of this cookie is trivial
and is left as an exercise for the reader.
Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.
The solving of a problem lies in finding the solvers.
Some books leave us free and some books make us free.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go.
Some days, I feel as if I were a subaltern of the 24th Regiment of Foot at
Rorke's Drift. It's a desperately invigorating situation, true -- but
what a wonderfully target-rich environment!
Some days, nothing goes left.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge . . . others just gargle.
Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
Some minds are like concrete -- thoroughly mixed and permanently set.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Some mornings it's just not worth gnawing through the straps.
Some of the more environmentally aware dinosaurs were worried about the
consequences of an accident with the new Iridium enriched fusion reactor.
"If it goes off only the cockroaches and mammals will
survive. . ." they said.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others;
the rest of us have to be the others.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill.
Some people are wise, other people are otherwise.
Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
Some people flirt with disaster. I actually dated her.
Some people have mood swings. I have an entire playground.
Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no
Some people think dawn is beautiful.
To me, it just means I've worked all night again.
Some push the envelope, some just lick it, and some can't find the flap!
Some women get excited about nothing and then marry him.
Somebody dereferenced his null pointer.
Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
I found a pile of them over in the corner.
Someday is not a day of the week.
Sometimes I aim to please; other times I shoot to kill.
Sometimes I feel like the world's a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray.
Sometimes I go off into my own little world . . .
But that's okay; they know me there.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
Sometimes I wonder why it took mom so long to snap.
Sometimes it's better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness.
Sometimes silence is not golden, just yellow.
Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
Sometimes, "peace" is just another word for "surrender".
Sooner or later you must pay for your sins.
(Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie.)
Sooner or later, stops smoking.
Sorry -- the Cookie Monster got here first.
The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
Space Hamsters Rule! Death to Unbelievers!
Spankings. They're not just for birthdays anymore.
Spare the rod and spoil the drag race.
Speak kindly -- Don't pick a fight with an old man.
If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.
Speak roughly to your CPU, and boot it when it freezes.
Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
Speak well of your enemies. Remember, you were the one who made them.
Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire!
Spells don't kill people! Wizards kill people!
Spiro Agnew is an anagram of Grow a Penis.
Spock/Data '96 -- The Logical Choice!
Spoonerism: Having wrubble with your turds.
Spouse, n.: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
The squeaky wheel gets the grease but the yapping dog gets kicked.
SQWERTY -- Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.
St Louis is the only city in the world with a 630 ft easy-carry handle.
Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk . . .
Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes . . .
StarFleet Security: Ours not to reason why. Ours but to scream and die.
Stealth Condoms: They'll never see you coming.
Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have snuck in the language.
A stitch in time saves nine.
Stop the world -- I want to catch up!
Strangers give out the best candy.
Strangers in the night, exchanging disk space . . .
Streakers repent! Your end is in sight.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't
fallen asleep yet.
"Stressed" is just desserts spelled backwards.
The strong give up and move away, while the weak give up and stay.
Structured Programming supports the law of the excluded muddle.
Study art and logic -- learn to draw your own conclusions.
Stupidity expands to fill all available space.
Stupidity got us into this mess, why can't it get us out?
The stylus is more potent than the claymore.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
A subversive is anyone who can out-argue their government.
Subvert the dominant paradigm.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Summon Demon is a first level spell. Control Demon is a ninth
The sun goes down just when you need it most.
SUNT PUERI PUERI [ET] PUERI PUERILIA TRACTANT
[Children are children, and do childish things]
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
Support Free Trade . . . Smuggle!
Support Little League Rollerball.
Support National Motherhood Week -- Make one today!
Support striking Air Traffic Controllers -- and ugly ones too.
Support the Arts: Shoot a Rapper.
Support your local medical examiner -- die strangely.
Support your local scientist -- buy chemical bonds.
Sure, I go to church sometimes -- but I don't go religiously.
Suture Self Magazine, the home guide to personal surgery.
Sweater (n.): A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly.
Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semi-colons;
Tact (n): The unsaid part of what you are thinking.
Tact is knowing how far to go in going too far.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in
Tactics: Breath fresheners for dyslexics.
1-2-3-4 -- We're Sgt Pepper's Lonely Taglines Band . . .
The 10 Commandments: The taglines Moses stole from God.
Actions speak louder than taglines.
Ahh . . . Ahh . . . *CHOO!* I'm allergic to taglines! -Sneezer
All taglines are curently busy. Please try again later.
All true wisdom is found in taglines.
!enilgat cinataS !eraweB
CAUTION! Taglines may be hazardous to your disk space!
Celebrimbor made this tagline during the 2nd age.
Chain tagline! Copy or bad luck will follow!
<- Cloaked Tagline
Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a tagline writer!
variant: Damn it, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a tagline.
"Data, give me a reading." "It appears to be a tagline."
Disregard the previous tagline.
Do not read this tagline under penalty of law.
Doing 5-10 for swiping taglines.
He who dies with the most taglines wins!
Hey Rocky, watch me pull a tagline out of my hat!
Hey, this isn't my tagline! Who put this here?
I can't help myself . . . I'm a tagline kleptomaniac!
I had a tagline to put here, but I forgot what it was.
I know what your thinkin' punk; did he use five taglines or six . . .
I'm a tagline. When I grow up I wanna be a novel.
'I'm taking your tagline,' said Tom with a steely grin.
If taglines were brains, I'd be a genius!
If you can read this tagline, my cloaking device is on the fritz.
If your message arrives late, you keep the tagline as our free gift!
Join Taglines Anonymous. We can help.
Level 6 tagline diagnostics initiated, Captain.
Member, National Association For Tagline Assimilators (NAFTA)
My mommy doesn't let me play with taglines . . .
My name is Inigo Montoya. You stole my tagline. Prepare to die.
My taglines are originals, it's just that they originate elsewhere.
Never judge a man by his taglines.
No one ever reads taglines.
No trees were harmed in the making of this tagline.
However, some died in their sleep and donated their bodies to literature.
Other taglines will follow . . . Keep only the ones you want . . .
*POLICE TAGLINE*DO NOT CROSS*POLICE TAGLINE*DO NOT CROSS* . . .
Read this tagline backwards to find the hidden Satanic message!
Resistance is futile. Your taglines will be assimilated.
Run! It's the Editor Dalek! "Expurgate tedious tagline! Expurgate!"
Stolen taglines? Book him for "grand theft motto"!
Tagline Lotto: ²²²²²²²²²²<- Scratch here to reveal prize.
Taglines are like cats . . . you just think you own them.
This is a GENUINE Tagline! Don't be fooled by cheap imitations!
This tag line conTains exactly threee errors.
This tagline back by popular demand!
This tagline exploits illiterates.
This tagline guaranteed funnier than the Unabomber Manifesto.
This tagline has been cruelly tested on cute furry animals.
This tagline intentionally left empty.
This tagline is identical to the one you are reading.
This tagline is made of 100% recycled electrons.
This tagline is more fun than a nun at a truckstop!
This tagline is really Odo.
This tagline is umop apisdn
This tagline is void where prohibited, licensed, or taxed.
This tagline recommended for mature readers.
This tagline was blank before you looked at it.
This tagline will self-destruct in five seconds . . . !
This tagline will soon appear as a Bantam paperback.
Vulcans stole your tagline?
Warning! Do not reuse tagline. Discard safely after use.
A Warrior does NOT steal taglines -Worf
You know what they say about the length of a man's tagline!
You're down to only 10.5 MB of Taglines?
You're so vain, you probably think this tagline is about you.
You're wise, witty & wonderful -- but you spend too much time reading taglines.
Take an astronaut to launch.
Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
Take everything in stride.
Trample anyone who gets in your way.
Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.
Take my advice -- I'm not using it
Take out the Hallmark greeting card stuff and you'll have a great poem.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either.
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
Teamwork is vital! (It gives you someone to blame.)
Tech support abuse hotline. WTF did you screw up now?
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion
Tell me why the stars do shine,
Tell me why the ivy twines,
Tell me why the sky's so blue,
And I will tell you just why I love you.
Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine,
Phototropism makes ivy twine,
Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue,
Sexual hormones are why I love you.
Tennis is a fickle sport.
No matter how good you are at it, a wall will always be better.
Tennis players have fuzzy balls.
Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
That makes as much sense as a coffin with a lifetime guarantee.
That which does not kill us comes back and tries again.
That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
For example, graduate school.
That's about as much fun as a game of Marco Polo with Helen Keller.
-Vlad the Impaler
That's like fluffing the pillows on the Titanic.
That's not a leak . . . That's just my car marking its territory.
That's not a steel wool pad, it's a Dorsai tribble!
That's not line noise -- my modem's speaking in tongues!
That's ok, Friday is only 15552345 clock ticks away.
That's what I want -- the kind of anarchy where everybody obeys the rules.
"The early bird gets the worm" -- I prefer to sleep late
and get waffles!
Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
. . . then we all jump out and yell SURPRISE!!
-David Koresh, Waco TX, 1985
Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
There are more important things in life than having a little money, and one
of them is having a lot of money.
There are things so serious you can only joke about them.
There are three kinds of death in this world. There's heart death, there's
brain death, and there's being off the internet.
There are three ways to get something done:
do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
There are two kinds of dirt in this world:
the dark kind which is attracted to light objects and
the light kind which is attracted to dark objects.
There are two kinds of people in this world:
Those that want to BE something, and those that want to DO something.
(There is less competition in the second category.)
There are two kinds of people in the world:
Those who can only see half of the picture.
There are two kinds of people who don't say much,
those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
There are two rules for success in life:
Rule 1 -- Don't tell people everything you know.
There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they
start and so on . . .
There are two reasons for doing anything: a good reason
and the real reason.
There are two types of people in the world, and I'm one of them.
There are two ways to write error-free programs;
only the third one works.
There aren't enough hours in a day, but always too many days
There comes a time in every man's life when a yen is only Japanese money.
There is greater argument in one fact than in all the creeds.
There is intelligent life on earth, but I'm just visiting.
There is more justice in one act of true passion than in all the joyless
laws of the land.
There is no limit to how bad things can get.
There is no moral obligation to obey unjust and stupid laws.
There is no place for staples in works of art.
There is no problem a good miracle can't solve. -Shick's Law
There is no sincerer love than the love of food!!
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
There is no such thing as a "Fail Safe" design.
There is no sword that can oppose kindness.
There is no virtue in truth, merely accuracy.
There is nothing so small that it cannot be blown out of proportion.
There is only one perfect child in this world and every mother has it.
There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out
it would cover the Sahara Desert.
There is something to be said about me: "Wow!!"
There must be more to life than sitting wondering if there is more to life.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down
so they can't get away.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so
they can't get away.
There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.
There's no fuel like an old fuel.
There's no future in time travel.
"There's no I in team."
"Yeah? Well there's no U either. So if I'm not on the team and
YOU are not on the team -- then nobody's on the goddamn team!
The team sucks!"
There's no point in burying the hatchet if you are going to put a marker on
There's no such thing as same-sex marriage.
Sex is never the same after marriage.
There's no time like yesterday, but at least there's right now.
There's one fool at least in every married couple.
There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
There's too much sex & violence on my VCR.
Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.
These are not hot flashes, they are power surges!
These days govt. is a four letter word.
These messages are supported, in part, by user contributions and by
a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
These opinions are mine, mine alone.
You can't have them and I'm not going to share.
They also surf who only stand on waves.
They are slaves who fear to speak for the fallen and weak.
They call it "PMS" because "mad cow disease"
was already taken.
They got the library at Alexandria. They're not getting mine!
They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce.
That's not as bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50%
end in death.
They say thyme heals all wounds,
but I've found it doesn't work any better than oregano.
They should have called it "Stop Terrorism As Zealous Informants."
They told me I was gullible . . . and I believed them!
They took out my tonsils when I was little;
But, I still have my paranoids.
They're rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic!
A thing not worth doing is worth not doing well.
A thing worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody else to do.
The things in this file don't have to be in bad taste,
they just have to leave a bad taste.
Things worth having are worth cheating for.
Think for myself? Sure. Now, what would Rush be thinking . . .
Think honk if you're a telepath.
Think like a man of action and act like a man of thought.
This .sig is meant for educational purposes only. Send no money now.
Ask your doctor or pharmacist. To prevent electric shock, do not
open back panel. No user serviceable parts inside. You may or may
not have additional rights which may vary from country to country.
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not included. Limit 1 per customer. Does not come with any other
figures. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely
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check separately by bank number. Contents may settle during shipment.
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viewers. Do not fold, spindle, or mutilate. Use other side for
additional listings. For recreational use only. Shipping and handling
extra. No animals were harmed in the production of this .sig .
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For off-road use only. As seen on TV. We reserve the right to limit
quantities. One size fits all. Do not leave funds without collecting
a receipt. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount
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Keep cool; process promptly. $2.98/min AE/V/MC. Post office will
not deliver without postage. Simulated picture. List was current
at time of printing. Penalty for private use. Return to sender, no
forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Do not expose to
direct sunlight. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental,
or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error, or
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incinerate empty container. See label for sequence. Prices subject
to change without notice. Do not write below this line. Time lock
safe, clerk cannot open. At participating locations only. Serial
numbers must be visible. Align parts carefully, then bond. Falling
rock zone. Keep out of reach of children. Lost ticket pays maximum
rate. Your cancelled check is your receipt. Check paper path. Place
stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection.
Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Penalty for early withdrawal.
Sign here without admitting guilt. No solicitors. Slightly higher
west of the Mississippi. Storage temperature: -30 C (-22 F) to
40 C (104 F). Employees and their families are not eligible.
Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions
before the show. No purchase necessary. Limited time offer, call
now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes
accepted for this engagement. Extinguish all pilot lights.
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within a garment may occur. Use only in well-ventilated areas.
Replace with same type. Accessories sold separately. Booths for
two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Keep away from fire
or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not
include taxes. Hard hat area. Prerecorded for this time zone.
Reproduction strictly prohibited. Adults 18 and over only.
Detach and keep for your reference. No alcohol, dogs, or horses.
Demo package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates.
First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before deciding.
Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned
in this product appear for identification purposes only.
Record additional transactions on back of previous stub.
This supersedes all previous notices. Tag not to be removed
under penalty of law.
This copy of reality has been unregistered for 18 years.
This guy's so conceited, he thinks he's as good as I am!
This is a day for firm decisions! Or is it?
This is a free country and I have the permits, licenses, stamps,
tags, stickers, background checks and tax receipts to prove it.
This is a test of the Emergency Signature System. If this were an actual
emergency, I would be in orbit by now, and you would still be
unsuspectingly reading netnews.
This is obviously a case of too many scientists, not enough hunchbacks.
This is starting to sound like a really bad Trek episode.
This is the last time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
This is the price of freedom: Your last pint of blood, ounce of pain,
drop of courage. Paid in advance.
This isn't a bald spot . . . it's a solar panel for this sex machine.
This isn't a pot belly . . . I'm building a shed for my tools.
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
This isn't hell. This is where you get sent when you've been bad in hell.
This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
This land is my land, and only my land,
I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,
If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off,
This land is private property.
(Apologies to Woody Guthrie)
This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
This message has been brought to you by the Committee for the Liberation and
Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation into Society.
This only works for positive values of zero. -Your math teacher
This poem was written by Jon Saxton (an author of math textbooks):
((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0
Or for those who have trouble with the poem:
A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by seven,
plus five times eleven,
equals nine squared and not a bit more.
This score just in! Deep Space 9, Babylon 5 . . .
Thoreau's Law: If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of
doing you good, you should run for your life.
Those who can't write, write help files.
Those who can, do. Those who can't simulate.
Those who do not learn from history. . .
Are doomed to repeat it the following semester.
Those who don't study the past will repeat its errors.
Those who do will find other ways to err!
Those who flee temptation generally leave a forwarding address.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Those who welcome death have only tried it from the neck up.
Thou canst do anything thou wilt at Aleister's Restaurant.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's cookie file.
Thou shalt not kill? What about --
Deuteronomy XXII:22 ("If a man is found lying with the wife of
another man, both of them shall die." RSV)
Exodus XXII:18-20 ("18. You shall not permit a sorceress to live.
19. Whoever lies with a beast shall be put to death. 20. Whoever
sacrifices to any god, save to the Lord only, shall be utterly
Leviticus XX:9-16 ("9. For everyone who curses his father or his
mother shall be put to death; he has cursed his father or his mother,
his blood is upon him. 10. If a man commits adultery with the wife
of his neighbor, both the adulterer and the adulteress shall be
put to death. 11. The man who lies with his father's wife has
uncovered his father's nakedness; both of them shall be put to death,
their blood is upon them. 12. If a man lies with his daughter-in-law,
both of them shall be put to death; they have committed incest, their
blood is upon them. 13. If a man lies with a male as with a woman,
both of them have committed an abomination; they shall be put to
death, their blood is upon them. 14. If a man takes a wife and her
mother also, it is wickedness; they shall be burned with fire,
both he and they, that there may be no wickedness among you.
15. If a man lies with a beast, he shall be put to death; and you
shall kill the beast. 16. If a woman approaches any beast and lies
with it, you shall kill the woman and the beast; they shall be put
to death, their blood is upon them." RSV)
Numbers XXXI:17 ("Now therefore, kill every male among the little
ones [among the Midianites, the enemy of the Israelites], and kill
every woman who has known man by lying with him." RSV)
Thou shalt not omit adultery.
Thoughts can't cross your mind. The bridge is out.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this.
Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.
Three out of five people aren't the other two.
Tiananmen Square: Gun Control Strikes Again.
Time accelerates with age.
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
Time is a fiction, perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
Time is a versitile performer. It flies, marches on, heals all wounds,
runs out, and will tell.
Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Time passed, which, basically, is its job.
Time stands still for no one, except a woman in her late thirties.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
'Tis a gift to be simple . . . But some people take it too far!
Tis better by far to take pen against a sea of quibbles, and by
satirizing end them.
'Tis the goal of all housecats to become spherical.
Titmouse is coming, the frogs are getting flat! Please put an otter in the
old man's hat. If you haven't got an otter then a marmoset will do; if you
haven't got a marmoset, then Dog bless you!
To a balding man, dandruff is a thrill.
To a dog, you're one of the family. To a cat, you're one of the help.
To assume makes an ass out of YOU. Leave ME out of this.
To be born rich is an accident; to die rich is a miracle.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
To be sure of hitting the target,
shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever
you hit the target.
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To boldly go where no intelligent lifeform in its right mind would go.
To commit the perfect crime, you don't have to be intelligent, just in
charge of the investigation that follows.
To compare commitment with involvement, consider a Ham and Egg breakfast.
The Chicken was involved, but the Pig was committed!
To criticize the incompetent is easy;
it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
To do is to be. --Nietzsche
To be is to do. --Kant
Do be do be do. --Sinatra
Yabba Dabba Do! --Flintstone
To err is human, but it's damn irritating when the text editor misses it!
To err is human, To forgive is divine,
To moo is bovine, To oink is porcine,
To howl is lupine, To purr is feline,
To bleat is ovine, To bark is canine.
To err is human. To blame it on someone else is even more human.
To err is human. To blame someone else is politics.
To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
To err is human. To really foul things up requires a computer.
To estimate the amount of time it takes to do a task, estimate the time
you THINK it should take, multiply by two, and change the unit of
measurement to the next highest unit. Thus we allocate two days
for a one-hour task.
To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa.
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
To keep your friends treat them kindly; to kill them, treat them often.
To know recursion, you must first know recursion.
To know the darkness is to love the light.
To let a fool kiss you is stupid, to let a kiss fool you is worse.
To make tax forms true they should read "Income Owed Us"
and "Incommode You".
To perform magic you must desire change. The complacent have no magic.
To program anything that is programmable is obsession.
To respond in a logical manner to your illogical posting is not logical,
but it is great fun to add to your obvious confusion.
To school a child in math and science and language, but not to give that
same child the opportunity to draw, dance, sing or perform upon a
stage . . . is to give that child the formulas of nature without an
appreciation of its beauty.
To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.
To speak without thinking is to shoot without aiming.
To spot the expert,
pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from
many is research.
To take sorrow out of death would be like taking love out of life.
To think is human, to compute, divine.
To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly
strip down your words to naked, willing flesh.
Then bind them to a metaphor or three,
and take by force a satisfying mesh.
Arrange them to your will, each foot in place.
You are the master here, and they the slaves.
Now whip them to maintain a constant pace
and rhythm as they stand in even staves.
A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out!
What use are words that drive not to the heart?
A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt,
and choose more docile words to take its part.
A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain,
by making love directly to the brain.
Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret,
for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true.
Today is a gift; that is why it is called the present.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
Today's subliminal thought is:
Todd's Political Principle:
No matter what they're talking about, they're talking about money.
Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy.
Tolkien is Hobbit forming.
'Tom Said' quotes
'Adherents of my religion don't all believe the same thing', Tom decreed
'Boy, that sure took the wind out of my sails!' said Tom disgustedly.
'But I like pineapple' said Tom, dolefully
'Buy me a drink?' said Tom dryly.
'Can I have one of those chocolates?' said Tom, candidly.
'Company's coming', Tom guessed.
'The contraceptive was defective,' said Tom paternally.
'Drop the gun', Tom said with a disarming smile.
'Eat more fruit,' said Tom, with aplomb.
'Eating Radium has strange results', Tom said brightly.
'Eating uranium makes me feel funny', said Tom glowingly.
'I can't do this new math', Tom added.
'I can't eat another thing', he said fully.
'I commanded a group of ships for a week', Tom said fleetingly.
'I dropped my toothpaste', Tom said, crestfallen.
'I forgot what to buy', Tom said listlessly.
'I hope you're not afraid of needles', Tom injected.
'I joined the Lion's Club', said Tom pridefully.
'I just ate a fishing lure,' said Tom with baited breath
'I just came in from Jupiter', Tom said jovially
'I just forgot to increment the counter', Tom said, nonplussed.
'I killed the Greek piper god', Tom deadpanned.
'I need a home run hitter', Tom said ruthlessly.
'I smell gas', Tom fumed.
'I want some Chinese food', said Tom wantonly.
'I'd like a hot dog', Tom said frankly.
'I'll excise the bunion', Tom said callously.
'I'll have the dark bread,' said Tom wryly.
'I'll have to change your grade', Tom's teacher remarked
'I'll have to convert to floating point', Tom realized.
'I'll pay off that customs official', said Tom dutifully.
'I'll take that', said Tom appropriately.
'I'll try and dig it up for you', Tom said gravely.
'I'm not exactly finished trimming the bushes', Tom hedged.
'I'm trying to make insects fly', said Tom flippantly.
'I've lost my flower,' said Tom lackadaisically.
'It's not candy, it's a breath mint', Tom asserted.
'@#$%*! I've struck oil', Tom said, crudely.
'I've struck oil!' Tom gushed.
'Let's eat kosher tonight', said Tom judiciously.
'Let's visit tombs', said Tom cryptically.
'Look at the blackbirds', Tom crowed.
'Look at those newborn kittens,' said Tom literally.
'My bicycle wheel is melting', Tom spoke softly.
'My guitar is broken', Tom fretted.
'My stereo's half fixed,' said Tom monotonously.
'Nice mirror!', said Tom reflectively.
'No, not Tandy', Tom said Realistically.
'Now where did I put that magazine?' Tom asked periodically.
'Oral self-stimulation is possible,' admitted Tom, swallowing his pride.
'Our marriage must be dissolved', Tom said acidly.
' ', said Tom blankly.
'Ships ahoy!' yelled Tom fleetingly.
<Sigh> 'We have another flat', Tom said tiredly.
'So this is where your ancestors are?' Tom said cryptically.
'So this is your new computer!', said Tom calculatingly.
'Stop hitting me', Tom expounded.
'That makes 144,' said Tom grossly.
'This chicken has no beak', said Tom impeccably.
'This is power steering', Tom said automatically.
'This meat is hard to chew', Tom beefed jerkily.
'A thousand thanks, Monsieur', Tom said mercifully.
'To cook well, learn all about spices', Tom said sagely.
'Try to get back on topic', Tom said moderately.
'We need a 10-gauge needle', Tom hypothesized.
'We're off to Scotland', said Tom clandestinely.
'Which floor?', Tom said liftingly.
'X is an integer', Tom declared.
'You are two short of a dozen,' said Tom, tensely.
'You can't go faster than the speed of sound', Tom said mockingly.
'You can't really train a Beagle', Tom dogmatized.
'You should never burn the Stars and Stripes!' cried Tom flagrantly.
'Zero', said Tom naughtily.
The tongue weighs practically nothing, but so few people are able to hold it.
Too bad stupidity isn't painful.
Too bad the Unabomber doesn't do e-mail.
Too busy to laugh? Then you are too busy.
Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
Topologists are just plane folks.
Pilots are just plane folks.
Carpenters are just plane folks.
Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
Musicians are just playin' folks.
Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
Total strangers need love too, and I'm stranger than most.
Tractor pulls: for people who can't understand wrestling.
Trapezoid (n.): A device for catching zoids.
Treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
A tribal elder told his grandson about the battle he was waging within
himself. He said, "My son, it is between two wolves. One is an
evil wolf, anger, envy, sorrow, greed, guilt, resentment, lies,
false pride, superiority, self-pity, and ego. The other is the good
wolf, joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, generosity, truth,
compassion, and faith." The boy took this in and then asked
"which wolf will win?" The elder replied "The one I feed".
Tried to play my shoehorn . . . all I got was footnotes!
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
The trouble with cars is that you can't drive a bargain.
The trouble with life is, that you're halfway through it before you
realize that it's a "do it yourself" thing.
The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected.
Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
A true gentleman is one who can play the bagpipes. And doesn't.
Trust in Allah, but tie your camel anyway.
Trust me! Would I lie to you . . . again?
Trust only those who stand to lose as much as you will if things go wrong.
The truth can set you free,
but it's a little like gnawing your own leg off to escape.
The truth is out there. Anyone know the URL?
Truth is stranger than fiction because fiction has to make sense.
Truth is the most valuable resource we have, so let us economize it.
Try cooling coffee by holding it closer to your heart.
Try God -- for crimes against humanity!
Try the cleaning power of Lemminkainen in your rinse cycle.
Trying to attain vast power and world domination again? Bad dog!
TSRs are the instruments of Cthulhu.
Tsunami -- something liquid this way comes.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Two heads are more numerous than one.
Two languages implementing the same idea must, on pain of death, use
different terms. -Feldman's Law of Programming Terminology
The two most common elements are hydrogen and greed.
Two obviously high-class old ladies are strolling down a city
street when they run across a grizzled, ragged old derelict
lying drunk in the gutter, covered with garbage, sewer water
running all over him. "Hmmmph," sniffs one of the old ladies
haughtily. "Cleanliness is next to godliness. --William
The drunk opens one yellowed, rheumy old eye, stares at her
balefully, and replies, "Fuck you. --Tennessee Williams . . ."
Two's company, three's an orgy.
The UART's will'na take this speed cap'n.
Unable to locate Coffee -- Operator Halted!
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
An unemployed jester is nobody's Fool.
Unicorns aren't nearly as mythical as virgins.
The universe is not indifferent to intelligence,
it is actively hostile to it.
UNIX is user-friendly, its just picky about who it's friends with.
Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.
Unspeakable error in module Cthulhu at address R'lyeh.
Unstable? Unstable!!!??? UNSTABLE!!!!?????
Until you walk a mile in another man's shoes, it's not officially stealing.
Untold sufferings seldom are.
Use your head, it's the little things that count.
USER ERROR: replace user and press any key to continue.
Using MS-DOS is like deepthroating a jackhammer.
USPS -- Where quality is just a word we like to use.
UZI -- The ultimate point-and-click interface
Vampire Error: <A>vert, <R>eflect, <I>mpale
'Vengeance is Mine,' singeth the bard.
VERBUM SAT SAPIENTI SAPIENS NIHIL AFFIRMAT QUOD NON PROBAT
[A word to the wise, don't swear to anything you don't know firsthand.]
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
A very intelligent turtle
Found programming UNIX a hurdle
The system, you see
Ran as slow as did he
And that's not saying much for the turtle.
vi is to EMACS as masturbation is to making love:
effective and always available but probably not your first choice.
The vice of a soul is ignorance; the virtue of a soul is knowledge.
Vice Versa -- poems about brothels?
Victory cuts through all the red tape.
Violate laws, not people.
Violence is the first refuge of the violent.
A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
Virgin wool comes from the fastest sheep.
Virtual Reality: LSD on a budget.
Virtue divorced from vice is vicious.
Virtue is its own punishment.
Virus check complete. All viruses functioning normally.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from
where you left them to where you can't find them.
Vitamin C deficiency is apPauling.
The voices in my head keep debating the lyrics to "Hotel California".
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
(Void where prohibited by common sense)
Volcano (n.): A mountain with hiccups.
Volume in Drive C: TOO_LOUD!
Vote for the man who promises least, he'll be least disappointing.
The voters have spoken, the bastards . . .
Vulcanized -- What you become when Lenord Nimoy grabs you by the shoulder.
The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
The wages of sin go unreported.
Walt Disney is in suspended animation.
War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
War is good business -- invest your sons.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Warning: This cookie contains language!
A Warrior's Drink -- Well that explains a lot!
Wars are not fought to decide who is right -- only who is left.
Was that your girlfriend I saw in the GIF?
Wasting time is an important part of life.
variant: Wasting time is an important part of living.
dissenting view: Wasting time is worse than death, because
death separates you from this world, whereas wasting time
separates you from Allah. --Imam Ibn al-Quayyim (1292-1350)
Watch it -- you're trying my infinite patience!
Watson and Crick were into acid.
The way some people find fault -- you'd think there was a reward.
The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.
The way to make a small fortune gambling is to start with a large fortune.
The way to tell hamsters from gerbils is that gerbils have more dark meat.
We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
We are all born mad. Some remain so.
We are all the sum of our tears. Too little, and the ground is not fertile,
and nothing can grow there. Too much, and the best of us is washed away.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
We are not punished for our sins, but by them.
We are NOT surrounded. We are in a target-rich environment.
We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's
We are set for microwave, but God prefers to marinate.
We become wise out of necessity and not by choice.
We can blame the captain of the Titanic for many things,
but we cannot blame him for the iceberg.
We can't help him, Nurse. He has on dirty underwear.
variant: We can't help him, Nurse. He's wearing dirty underwear.
We come into this world wet, naked and screaming.
If we live correctly this doesn't have to change.
We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!
We don't really have any enemies.
It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
We got plenty of youth! What we really need is a Fountain of Smart.
variant: We have enough youth, how about a fountain of
We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
We have gone from "Lean and Mean" to "Anorexic and Psychotic".
We have standards and expect you not to exceed them. -NEA
(National Education Association)
We have tamed lightning -- and now use it to make sand think!
We hAvE yOuR mArS pRoBe. We WaNt 1 bIlIiOn CrEdItS iN 24 Hrs. -Zrne
We must believe in free will. We have no choice.
We need a foreign policy wizard;
we've got a foreign policy sorceror's apprentice.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
We now present the conclusion of The Neverending Story.
-From a TV broadcast of the movie
We now return to our regularly scheduled flame-throwing.
We preserve our freedoms through three boxes: ballot, jury, and cartridge.
We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
We read to say that we have read.
We replaced THEIR coffee with dilithium crystals
We should forgive our enemies, but only after they've been
taken out and shot.
We take drugs very seriously at my house . . .
We will release no software before its time.
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
And a Sun Myung Moon!
We're lost, but we're making good time.
A wedding ring is like a tourniquet, it cuts off your circulation.
Wedding rings: The world's smallest handcuffs.
The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
Welcome to Hell! Here's your copy of Windows!
Welcome to Hell. Here's your accordion.
Welcome to Hell. I'm your case worker.
Welcome to my killfile! Stay awhile.
Welcome to the jungle. Please obey our laws.
A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
Well, nobody forced you to read the message, did they?
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Werner von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
What a useless scroll. Just says, 'HASTUR HASTUR HASTUR' Uh-oh . . .
What came first, the woman or the department store?
What did Dan Quayle get on his IQ test? Drool.
What do they use to ship styrofoam?
What do tornadoes and marriage have in common?
When it's over, your house is gone.
What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot, you racist.
What do you call a fish with three eyes? Fiiish.
What do you get when you cross a tsetse fly with a mountain climber?
Nothing, you can't cross a vector with a scalar.
What do you get when you cross a zebra with an ape man for all eternity?
Tarzan Stripes Forever.
What do you mean I can't take a leave of absence to overthrow the
government? What sort of cheapskate company is this?
What do you mean, you formatted the dog?
What does "ocassional furniture" do the rest of the time?
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
What does not kill me, should scare you!
What fools these morals be!
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
in his footsteps?
What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What is a European? Someone with the industriousness of the British, the
sobriety of the Irish, the sense of humour of the Germans, the generosity
of the Dutch, the modesty of the French and the courage of the Italians.
In other words, a Belgian.
What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry?
Never lick the spoon.
What is the world to a man who's wife is a widow.
What is your name?
"Sir Brian of Bell."
"What is your quest?"
"I seek the Holy Grail."
"What are four lowercase letters that are not legal
flag arguments to the Berkeley UNIX version of 'ls'?"
"I, er . . . AIIIEEEEEE!"
What makes the universe so hard to comprehend
is that there's nothing to compare it with.
What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us
is that they think themselves cleverer than we are.
What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
What shall it be today? Watch Three's Company?
Or unify the field theory?
What the hell died in here? -New Jersey State Motto
What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What women and shrinks call "dropping your armor", I call
"baring your neck".
What you don't do is always more important than what you do do.
What's a nice word like "euphemism" doing in a sentence like this?
What's done to children, they will do to society.
What's good for Ugoose is good for Uganda.
What's in a name? . . . Letters.
What's the definition of safe sex in West Virginia?
Branding the sheep that kick.
What's the height of stupidity? I'm not sure . . . how tall are you?
What's with this Jesus fellow?
It's not a sacrifice if you get to take it back three days later.
What's worth doing is worth doing for money!
What, me worry? It's only Kei and Yuri.
What? Monday again? Didn't we have that last week?
What? 5000 of you and no one brought a sandwich? -Jesus
Whatever happened to the good old days
when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Whatever you do, don't let me order you around. -Somebody
Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stray.
Wheel of Entrails: Pat, I'd like to buy a bowel . . .
When all else fails, complicate matters.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When all think alike, then no one is thinking.
When asked his thoughts on Windows, Ghandi became irate.
When everyone is against you, it means that you are absolutely
wrong -- or absolutely right.
When faced with a problem, just think, "How would Bugs Bunny
When flaming someone about their grammar make sure that all of your
When I said "death" before "dishonor," I meant
When I want your opinion, I'll read your entrails.
When in doubt, don't bother.
When in doubt, ignore it.
When in Rome, do as the Visigoths do.
When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame -
half his wife's fault, and half her mother's.
When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
When life gives you lemons, cut them in half and squirt life in the eye!
When people say "Let your body do what the music tells it
to do", I respond: "To me the music says: 'Listen, enjoy, but
DON'T MOVE you stumbling elephant!'"
When religion stands in the way of progress, it has outlived its
When society must choose between two unacceptable evils,
it has already lost.
When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled white and blue.
When tempted to fight fire with fire,
remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
Department usually uses water.
When the avalanche has started, it is too late for the pebbles to vote.
When the bird and the bird book disagree, believe the bird.
When the chips are down, the buffalo's empty . . .
When the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
When they took the sixth ammendment, I was quiet because I was innocent.
When they took the fourth ammendment, I was quiet because I didn't deal
drugs. When they took the second ammendment, I was quiet because I
didn't own a gun. Now they've taken the first ammendment, and I can say
nothing about it.
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise!
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
When you lie, a problem becomes part of your future.
When you tell the truth, a problem becomes part of your past.
When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world
is made of aluminum and vinyl.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
When you're bi, everybody thinks you're a pervert!
When you're feeling so low that you have to reach up to touch bottom,
whose bottom you touch can make a big difference.
When you're out of slits, you're out of pier.
When you're up to your hips in alligators,
You forget the original project was to drain the swamp.
When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers
something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an
emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
Where can I get some tat? I'd like to trade it in.
Where subtlety fails us we must simply make do with cream pies.
Where the women are absent, the men have no life, and the
children post daily.
Where there's a will, there's a way.
parodies: Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
Where there's a whip there's a way.
Where words fail, music speaks.
Where you stand depends on where you sit.
Whether it rotates to the right or left, it's still a crank!
Which is bigger, a Bazillion or a Gazillion?
While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
While money can't buy happiness,
it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
While my assistant, Jim, wrestles Cthulhu . . . -Marlon Perkins
Whips and chains? Sorry, that's a hardware problem.
Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
Whistler's mother is off her rocker.
White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
White Male Corporate Oppressor at Large.
Who are these kids and why are they calling me Dad?
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Who peed in your gene pool?
Who said things would ever get any better?
Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavour?
Who were the Beta Testers for Preparations A through G???
Who will take care of the world after you're gone?
Who's General Failure and why's he reading all my drives?
The whole idea is not to like what everybody else likes.
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first teach Windows.
Why are there floatation devices under plane seats, instead of parachutes?
Why are there Interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?
Why did God create goyim? Somebody has to pay retail.
Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What's the Latin for office automation?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president
and 50 for Miss America ?
Why do clairvoyants have front door bells?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic? It's quite uncanny.
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive up ATM?
Why do they put expiration dates on sour cream?
variants: Why does sour cream have a use-by date?
How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why do we call them buildings when they're finished?
Shouldn't they be called Builts?
Why do we press harder on a remote control
when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game", when we are
Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?
"Why do you hang around with that sadist?" "Beats me!"
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why don't psychic hotlines call you?
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a
"near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
Why isn't "PHONETICALLY" spelled that way?
variant: Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why remember quotes when you can make them up?
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Will the circle be unbroken, Dr Moebius?
Will your answer to this question be no?
William Bennett: The best argument yet against philosopher-kings.
Wind velocity increases directly with the cost of the hairdo.
Windows -- from the makers of EDLIN!
Windows -- the world's first 9 Meg Solitaire game.
Windows 95: Macintosh 87.
Windows is NOT a virus. Viruses DO something.
Windows NT: 16 meg RAM to run Minesweeper.
Windows would look better with curtains.
A 32-bit patch for a 16-bit GUI running on top of an
8-bit operating system written for a 4-bit processor by a
2-bit company who cannot stand 1 bit of competition.
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
Windws is ine for bckgroun comunicaions -Bll Gats, 192
Winning isn't everything, but then losing is nothing.
Winter is Nature's way of saying, "Up Yours!"
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
Wisdom is knowing which bridge to cross and which to burn.
A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well
than a fool can from a mountain top.
A wise man knows everything, a shrewd one, everybody.
The wise man tells his wife he understands her.
The fool tries to prove it.
Wit has truth in it. Wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.
Witches Parking Space: Offenders will be toad.
WitchWorks . . . includes a hex dump and a spell checker.
With Born-Again Christians, the second birth is anal.
With liberty and justice for all who can afford it.
Without C, we'd be programming in BASI, PASAL, OBOL, and ++.
Without me, it's just aweso
Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.
The wolf may lose his teeth but not his inclination.
A woman is like a piano. If she's not upright she's grand.
Woman wishes to wish away the differences between the sexes.
But then, that is the nature of woman.
A woman's favorite position is CEO.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: she changes it more often.
WOMAN.ZIP -- great software with no documentation.
Women do come with instructions; just ask them.
Women like the simple things in life . . . men!
Women should not have children after 35.
Really . . . 35 children are enough.
Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
Words must be weighed, not counted.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered . . . not yelled.
Worf: "Shields failing!" Picard: "Give 'em more homework."
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
The world is divided between victims and predators and you have to defend
yourself against both.
The world is divided into people who think they are right.
World's shortest ghost story: The last man on earth sat down in his room.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door!
The worst thing about censorship is ██████████
Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?
The Wright Brothers weren't the first to fly.
They were just the first not to crash.
Writing a program is nothing but debugging a blank page.
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
Y'know, it's times like this -- when I'm falling down a bottomless pit
as my spaceship crashes through the dome and two large thermonuclear
bombs go off overhead -- that I wish I'd really listened to what my
mother said . . .
Ya gotta feel sorry for all them convicts in New Hampshire, stampin'
out license plates that say "Live free or Die."
Yard by yard, life is hard, Inch by inch, life's a cinch.
Yea, Verily, I doth say: Bite-eth me!
Yeah sure -- and I'm the Kumquat Haagendasz!
Yeah! A dolphin-burger, and put it in a styrofoam box!
Yeah, but what's the speed of dark?
Yeah, I'm religious. Hockey's a religion, right?
Yeah, well, you heathens can believe whatever you want, but us folks in the
Church of Barabbas are pretty glad with the way things turned out.
Yeah? So, Ma, like, which is it, be careful or have a good time?
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four
and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the
YELLOW PAGES: Any book a naked baby sits on.
Yerassic Park: Where your butt's on the line!
Yes, God has a sense of humor! I'm here, ain't I?
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
Yes, I think God has a sense of humour. No, I don't understand it.
Yesterday a convenience store chain filed Chapter 7-11.
Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints.
Yesterdays flower children are todays blooming fools.
YGIAGAM -- Your Guess Is As Good As Mine!
Yoda in AD&D [Advanced Dungeons & Dragons] terms: Sex between an orc
and a halfling.
Yogurt: The baby's home facial kit.
You *can* go home again. Just type 'cd\'.
You can trust the government . . . ask any Indian.
You must be'n only child. Nobody could be horny 'nuff
t'risk having you.
You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
You all saw that! . . . HE threatened me with FACTS!
You are a Quat (One Cum short of a cumquat ;-)
You are a very sick individual. You belong here.
You are full of Bravo Sierra!
You are magnetic in your bearing.
You are making progress if each mistake is a new one.
You are old if remember when Laugh-In wasn't a rerun.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together
and there was only one life jacket . . .
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
You become like that which you worship.
You bought a computer to do this??
You can find sympathy between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.
You can fool all of the people some of the time;
you can fool some of the people all the time;
and that should be sufficient for most purposes.
You can fool some of the people all of the time,
and all of the people some of the time,
but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
You can fool some of the people all of the time,
and all of the people some of the time,
but you Can't Fool Mom.
You can get just as drunk on water . . . as you can on land!
You can give a PC to a Homo habilis, and he'll use it,
but he'll use it to crack nuts.
You can have it perfect or you can have it Tuesday.
You can have the subjunctive when you pry it from my cold dead fingers.
You can lead a horse to water,
but if you can get him to float on his back, you've really got something.
You can learn many things from children.
How much patience you have, for instance.
You can name your salary here. I call mine Fred.
You can never get rid of a bad temper by losing it.
You can never put toothpaste back in the tube.
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
You can not strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You can play with my mind if you let me play with yours . . .
You can preach a better sermon with your life than with your lips.
You can pretend to be serious, but not witty.
You can strike back at those who refuse to read your articles.
You can refuse to write them.
You can't act as God and expect to never meet the Devil.
You can't beat the price on Betazoid wedding dresses.
You can't fall off the floor.
You can't fight City Hall. But you can burn it down.
You can't fool me -- there ain't no sanity clause.
You can't free a fish from water!
You can't have "manslaughter" without "laughter".
You can't have everything . . . where would you put it?
You can't please all the people all the time,
but you can piss 'em all off at the same time real easy.
You can't run with the big dogs if you're peeing with the puppies.
You can't say my mind's dirty: yours understood the joke!
You can't scare me. I have children.
You can't soar with dragons if you work with gargoyles.
You can't spank the monkey if he's on your back.
You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step in it.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
You control the birth rate. Mother Nature controls the death rate.
You deserve the gods you worship.
You do know what a leading question is, don't you?
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
You don't get once-in-a-lifetime offers like this every day.
You don't learn anything the second time you're kicked by a mule.
You don't like Heinlein? Don't they have drug-therapy for that now?
You don't need to be a cannibal to be fed up with people.
You don't own the only heart that's been broken.
You gave your life to become the person you are now. Was it worth it?
You got a one-way ticket on the Disorient Express.
You got filkers? You should spray.
You gotta know when to code 'em, know when to modem.
You gotta look out for #1, but don't step in #2 doing it!
You have a choice, you can spend your life drinking, gambling and
fornicating, or you can waste it like everyone else!
You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
You have been assimilated. You are now: ³°Þ°³°³Û³°
You have led a successful life if you can tell people the absolute,
scandalous truth about it, and it's so outrageous they don't believe you.
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes.
You'll learn a lot today.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say will be misquoted, and then used against you.
You hit the nail right between the eyes!
You in the red shirt, see what that noise is. -Kirk
variant: You! In the red uniform! See what that noise is. -Kirk
You know a barnacle's happy by the ship-eating grin.
You know it's going to be a bad day
when you jump out of bed and miss the floor.
You know it's love when you memorize her IP number to skip DNS overhead.
You know that feeling
right before the zombies break down the door and maul your entire family?
You know what burns my butt? A flame about yay-high.
variant: You know what burns me up? A flame this high [spoken
with the hand placed just above the head].
You know when you're getting old: everything stop growing but ya stomach.
You know you are aging when all your black book names end in M.D.
You know you have a small apartment when Coco Pops echo.
You know your God is man-made when he hates all the same people you do.
You know, I'd tell you to go to Hell, but I work there,
and I don't want to see you for eight hours a day.
You know, some days life is just one non sequiter after catfish.
You learn something every day if you are not careful.
You look fit to be tied . . . now where's that rope?
You look for sexual innuendos in Sesame Street, don't you?
You look like a million dollars. All in loose change.
You look like sh*t. Is that the style now?
You lost your virginity? I hope you kept the box it came in.
You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
You may say I'm off-topic, but I'm not the only one.
You may smoke. You may also burst into flames and die.
You must first learn to annoy before you're allowed to torment.
You only think I'm devious, actually, I'm far more twisted.
You only hurt the ones you love. -Marquis De Sade
You play the accordion? How good a bard can you be?
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
You put the "sexy" in dyslexia.
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
You should be glad that you were born . . . no one else is.
You should hardly ever equivocate.
You should never invite policemen or vampires into your home.
You shouldn't say anything mean about people who can't read.
You should write it instead.
You simply must stop taking other people's advice.
You sound like a very balanced fellow. One chip on each shoulder.
'You summoned me, Captain?' asked T. Earl Grey, hotly.
You talk so much your tongue is sunburned.
You were young and foolish once. Now you're no longer young.
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
You'd never hear this on Welsh Wheel of Fortune: "I'd like to buy a
You'll go to Heck if you don't believe in Gosh
You're a backsliding atheist.
You're a better man than I, Rin Tin Tin.
You're a good egg in the long run; but who wants a long, runny egg.
You're a parasite for sore eyes.
You're acquitting yourself in such a way that no jury ever would.
You're as innocent as a nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field.
You're elderly when your teeth are out more than you are.
You're fat if you fall asleep at the beach and wake up at Sea World.
You're five? Hell, when I was your age, I was six!
You're like a slinky -- completely useless, but fun to push down stairs.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
You're not having fun till they call 911!
You're not the only one who doesn't think I know anything.
You're not yourself today? Well, I noticed the improvement!
You're only young once -- After that you need another excuse.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
You're special. Like, wear-a-helmet-all-the-time special.
You're supposed to grow old with someone, not because of them.
You've been a bad boy. Now go to my room.
You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
You've given me something to live for. Revenge.
You go and love your brother. I'll go and love your sister.
Young at heart; slightly older in other places.
The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.
Young's Law: All great discoveries are made by mistake.
Your ancestors were real swingers -- from trees and gallows.
Your body is so under-allocated, it leaves me with a dangling pointer.
Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
Your eMail was returned due to insufficient voltage.
Your empty file directory has been deleted.
Your every decision conspires to make this moment happen.
Your ex just called. She's with the IRS, now.
Your fences need to be horse high, pig tight and bull strong.
Your fifteen minutes are up.
Your foot. Your mouth. A marriage made in Heaven.
Your hair's thinning. So who wants fat hair?
Your head is as empty as a eunuch's underpants!.
Your idea of safe sex is a pillow padding the head-board.
Your karma just ran over my dogma.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an idiot!
Your lucky number has been disconnected.
Your mind understands what you have been taught, your heart, what is true.
Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.
Your mother dates Kennedys!
Your mother poses for the Far Side!
Your mum is so fat, she walked past the TV
and I missed the first season of Lost.
Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
Your reputation should be as clear as your conscience.
Which means you're already in big trouble.
Your silent mercies lock me up inside my mind.
Your statement fully describes the situation partially.
Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons.
Your supervisor is thinking about you.
Your tongue is sharp, but your voice is flat . . .
Your tribe's customs are not the laws of the Universe!
Your values are twisted -- let us help you unwind.
Your Yin and Yang are no longer on speaking terms.
Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
Youth is a blunder; Manhood a struggle; Old age a regret.
Youth is glorious, but it isn't a career.
Youth is when you blame all your trouble on your parents;
maturity is when you realize that everything is the fault
of the younger generation.
Youth, which is forgiven everything, forgives itself nothing.
Youthful figure: What you get when you ask a woman's age.
Z-MODEM: What you hook up to ze phone.
Zall's Law: A dirty book is seldom dusty.
"Zamfir plays Metallica" -- Order your copy today!
Zeal without knowledge is fire without light.
Zebra: a sports model jackass.
Zen congressmen pass transcendental legislation.
Zen Druids practice Transcendental Vegetation.
Zen Druids use Mistle-Tao
Zencrafters: Total enlightenment, in about an hour.
Zenocide: The killing of ancient philosophers.
Zipper makers do it on the fly.
Zipper: undoing of the modern girl -- it opens up great possibilities.
Zippers -- Little alligators of ecstasy.
Zo, tell me about your mother, Herr Heinlein.
Zodiac signs: Taurus, the bull -- Cancer, the crab -- Mickey, the mouse
Zombie Sitcom: "Buried . . . With Children".
Zoo (n.): what college dorms could look like if cleaner.
Zoophiles see the entire animal kingdom as potential dates!
Zoroastriansm: the belief that God is actually a masked Mexican.
A zygote is a gamete's method of producing more gametes.
This may be the purpose of the universe.
variant: A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.